Thoughts I Had Today

Uncertainty

Ever since Wednesday I have been terrified, this constant feeling that I will not be able to finish everything in time.

Every day is just me feeling anxious about how I will be able to finish my tasks, how I will be able to communicate and ask for help, and to focus in presenting a good performance.

The very limited time I have is daunting. Suffocating.

I have learned to keep it everything to myself, ever since I was younger. Bottling all of those horrible emotions every day. I control my tears because I have learned that I should not cry. I do not seek comfort because I was taught that voicing out your concerns, no matter how small, is an inconvenience. All of that done by the person who gave me life.

Now I am here, an adult, still struggling to connect with people. Terrified to try. It's saddening and I hate how I struggle so much with it.

I look around me and I see everyone doing what I cannot do effortlessly, jealous that I do not have that confidence too. Always wishing I was like that. It makes living so fucking hard.

But because of how I am so overwhelmed with the amount of work, which feels like a mountain of expectations, I have been failing to hold my tears in.

It's awful, feeling like this every single day and it's emotionally draining.

Every time I step into that building, I cannot help but feel that I am alone. That I have to do everything by myself in order to finish my tasks on time. But at the same time, I feel like shit for feeling that way because of how busy they are. I fully understand that they need to get their work done too, so why should I be complaining? I have no right?...right?

I just wish I had someone to be there for me. It may not sound much but it helps me a lot. Just someone to guide me through... a support... but I have to open my mouth to get that, in which I struggle with. So in summary, it is a vicious cycle.

After my first day, I cried my eyes out because of how overwhelmed I was. I started thinking about a lot of things, like what will happen if I don't do this or what will I do if I quit?

The unknown is scary.

And the fact that I have people that expect me to go through with it to the end because they depend on me, does not help. It makes me feel worst.

Then I started thinking about my flaws and how I lack in a lot of things. I felt so disappointed and sad with myself that I could not get myself to sleep, because of how loud those thoughts were.

It was a painful night.

I just wish I was better... and that I should not be struggling so much to be better. Why is it so hard? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I struggle so much with this? Why am I like this?

Why
Why
Why
Why?

Why can't I be the person I want to be?

I just want it all to end already. I need a break. A good long break. I need time off. I need to breathe. I need to lie down, to feel at peace.

For the first time I wanted time to move quickly.

I feel like I am drowning... no... I am drowning. And I don't see a ray of light out. But I hope I find it soon, because I hate this uncertainty so much.

It's 2:07am
And I have four hours until it starts all over again. I really hope today is a bit nicer to me, because I'm getting tired of always feeling like this. I think I will cry myself to sleep today too.

I hope I do well today.