Thoughts I Had Today

Prologue: Projection

27/7/22 | 12:23am

The first time I've ever told someone close to me about what really goes on inside this house was a few months ago. I really trusted them and I really thought they'd understand, but they did something that I was scared someone who knows the truth would do, and that was siding with her.

They've experienced something worst, I can't exactly tell you what since it's not my place to, but I never expected they'd do that—I mean—at the back of my head, the voices were telling me that no one will ever believe me. That no one will ever be on my side, even if I tell them the truth. And I can't believe it was right.

This person made me feel like what I was experiencing wasn't a big deal because I don't have it as bad as them. Which I understand, but at the same time it was fucked up. Because it made me feel worst. Imagine opening up about something that you find so difficult to open up about, and then make you feel like you're overreacting in the end.

I just wanted to be heard... I just wanted someone to listen to me. But even people that I trust, I can't rely on.

She has stopped physically inflicting pain on us years ago, but the emotional pain that she inflicts on us every single day, still remains. Both are equally bad and both equally hurt. I'm sorry that I don't get beaten up and have bruises all over every single day, but it doesn't mean that it isn't any less bad. Many years of constant pain, from childhood to now—whether it be physical, emotional or both—is just as scarring.

I wish you listened
Why didn't you listen?
I wish you understood
Because out of all people, I really thought you would.
I wish you didn't project
You didn't have to compare
because everyone has their own battles to fight
Whether it be physically, emotionally or both—that scarred you.
And if it's important and a big deal to you, then they should be as equally important.

At the time I couldn't tell them any of this, because I've never stood up for myself about it. I really wish I did but I was scared of getting turned down and feeling like I shouldn't speak up—because I don't have the right to.
I've felt like that for years now. I just want to escape. That's all I want. Please.