Thoughts I Had Today

A letter to someone I loved.

13/6/22 | 2:58 am

I'm sitting here in my room, staring at my white ceiling. Thinking of her.

I wonder how she's doing
I wonder how life is treating her
If she found a job that she enjoys and loves.
If she found someone better
If she's much happier now

It's been four years and I still think about you. Not in a romantic sense, but more of as someone who still cares.

I would have days such as this one, where I'd wonder too far in my own thoughts and they'd lead me back to you.

I hope you're okay
I hope that you're with someone that's worthy of your love
Someone that appreciates you and protects you.
Someone that doesn't make you cry on purpose.
Someone that doesn't start stupid fights.
Someone that doesn't make you jealous intentionally.

It's already been a year from being free of my own guilt. Back then it used to eat me up inside and I was drowning in it. Barely breathing. I would think about my actions every single day and it would make me feel worst each time. Like getting stabbed a hundred times, repeatedly. Funny because I wasn't even the one that got hurt.

It took a lot of time... a lot of time to heal from it. But I'm glad that I was able to forgive myself.
Maybe at some point in your life, you've forgiven me too.

But back then I've always thought that forgiving myself was impossible, because what I did, didn't deserve forgiveness or redemption whatsoever. I've always thought that I was never worth of it anyway.
Yet here I am.

I'm not saying that I'm done redeeming myself though, I'm still working on that. I still have a long way to go. But for once I'm actually proud of how far I've come.

Looking back at it now, I think we would have worked if I wasn't sitting at such a dark place in life. We would've been happy if I wasn't at my lowest, if I had a bit more confidence in myself and a much better self-esteem.

You were really the only one that was brave enough to ever love me. I always found it so difficult to understand why.
Why me?
Why love someone like me?

I was always causing you problems. The amount of times I made you cry at school, the childish fights I'd start. I did everything just so you could hate me, so you'd see how much of a bad person I am. That staying with me won't ever do you any good, so you'd realise that you'd be better off without me. That you'd be much happier without me.
But no matter what I did, you stayed.
You never left.
You kept loving me, when I knew deep down I didn't deserve it.
Because of the way that I am.

I remember this one time I asked you
"Do I make you happy?"
And you replied with,
"Yes, you make me so so happy"
And you rambled on and on about how I'd make you smile, laugh and how I'd make your day.

But I just sat there, confused. I didn't understand why or... how, when all I could ever think about was the bad things I did. It just never made sense to me. How you were able to keep loving me through all of that.

That didn't last long of course.
One day, what I wanted finally happened.
You left.
You told me you were tired and that you wanted to break up.

At that moment I didn't feel any ounce of victory or satisfaction. Just sadness and guilt, because it proved my point even more.
That I bring nothing but burden and disappointment. I do nothing but make people that love me, miserable. That I deserve to be alone, to die alone. So I can never hurt anyone.

Although despite everything that happened between us. I never regretted meeting you and loving you. I'll always be grateful for the love that you've given me. I'll always be thankful for even loving someone like me.

I'm happy I met someone like you.
Thank you for loving me so so much.
I will always... always treasure you.

[song: She Chose Me by Bruno Major]