Thoughts I Had Today

The snickering shadows

Why is it that
whenever someone tries to be nice to me
Or appreciates what I do
In my head
It always seems like
They are mocking me

While also knowing
That they aren't
And are just genuinely
Being nice

Thoughts like...

"Don't be stupid, they actually think you look dumb"

"They didn't mean any of that"

"They're lying"

"They actually don't like you, they just don't want to say it"

"You didn't really do that well, they're just trying to lift up your mood"

"They don't actually see you as their friend"

"Deep inside, they feel like you aren't part of the group"

"You don't belong"

"They don't want you here"

"It's your fault things turned out like this"

"They wouldn't be going through this if they never met you"

"It would have been better if you weren't born at all"

For people that I am close with
I know that they don't think of me this way
And that they wouldn't say any of this to me

But these thoughts still somehow find their way inside my brain
As if I have a crack on my skull
Where they would wedge their way in

These wicked thoughts

As for strangers
They scare me the most
Because I can never know
I can never tell
Because I don't know them well enough
And because of that
I would always go about the rest of my day
Pondering
If they've had these thoughts about me or not

Sometimes it would get so unbearable
That I just want to disappear the face of the earth
And never ever show my face again
The wicked thoughts
Makes me feel humiliated about myself

And it makes me sad
Because I always see myself
As anything lesser