Thoughts I Had Today

I live inside a dead man's corpse.

26/7/22

Hello,
I know that not a lot of people will be seeing this, and really the only reason why I keep writing here is for therapeutic reasons. It helps the voices calm down. Doesn't exactly take it all away but makes it... less worst?

I don't really know where to start for todays journal... I just... wanted to talk. Talk for a while and just let the words flow out.
I hope that's okay.

A lot of things have happened recently. Nothing too bizarre in real life, more of like, inside of my head. A lot of things happened within me.

I've been thinking a lot, way too much actually. I feel lost. I've been having thoughts about my gender identity and how I've been experiencing gender dysphoria for so long now, to the point that it's gotten bad recently. I don't know, this just feels like a huge pile of mess that I can't seem to get my way around.

It's funny because I've always thought that I can figure myself a way out, no matter the obstacle. But this one... this one is the most toughest one yet - and for the first time, I don't have anything. Absolutely nothing. Maybe because I haven't thought it through enough, or the idea hasn't come to me yet, but as of now... nothing.

And it's scary knowing nothing - knowing nothing but fear. The honest truth is, I'm scared that I'll never figure this out. I'm scared that I'll live the rest of my life feeling this way. I just really don't know and I'm frustrated. Like, I want answers, but where? Where do I find them and how? Usually they're found when you start with yourself but I've looked everywhere... and there's nothing. I don't know, maybe I haven't been looking hard enough either. I do tend to have a very bad habit of self-sabotaging. That's why I can never have nice things in the first place. It's always my fault - and I hate myself so much for that.

Back when I've come into terms with my sexuality (which was 3 or 4 years ago), I was also experiencing gender dysphoria at the same time (I still do now). I didn't understand why I opposed the gender I was born in and wished I was born the opposite, but would also have days where I was okay with the body I'm born with. I identified in both, sometimes neither, sometimes both at the same time - which was confusing. That was when I learnt that gender is a whole spectrum too and that all kinds of gender identities exists - and that gender-fluid is a thing. So I labeled myself as that ever since then - since it felt like it fit with me best. Since, it sounded like me. The label brought me comfort, eased my frustrations a bit but... it didn't take away gender dysphoria.

I've told people closest to me about my sexuality but kept my gender identity a secret. I was scared (I still am), that they wouldn't understand. That they'd look at me weirdly and cast me aside, I know they won't ever do that, but it's a thought that will forever haunt me. Something that I can't ever just... shake off.

It was a secret until recently.
I finally had enough courage in me to actually open up about it for the first time. Four people know so far and they've shown me immense support, which I'll forever appreciate it. I tried my best to explain everything since not all of them were that knowledgeable on the subject. I told them about my new pronouns and how I've been wanting to use them so badly, for so long now. I also told them about my new name (it's my name but just shortened) and everything was going alright up until now.

Now I'm starting to regret it.
Because what if I should've just kept this all to myself like I always have? I should've shut my mouth and not said anything. I feel like I'm giving them trouble, like I'm being a burden. I feel like I'm asking for too much. I feel horrible. I don't want to confuse anyone or make them uncomfortable by trying to feel accustomed to the new sudden changes I've made. None of this would've happened if I just kept my my mouth shut. I feel so bad. And now I've made a mess. I'm sorry everyone. I'm so sorry. I fucked up. That's all I'm ever good at - being a fuck up.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of this, all of this. I'm tired of me. And I just want it all to end... but I'm too much of a coward to take that step. At least not yet.

This is all over the place and I probably didn't make any sense. Anyways, I'm sorry for this long writing, and If anyone is out there reading this till the end, thank you... thank  you for taking the time to listen to me.

—
I.