Thoughts I Had Today

'It'

19/6/22 | 5:04am

I don't understand myself sometimes.
Some days I feel fine and that I think that I'm better. Because in those days, I don't hear it anymore. Like all of the voices that would tell me bad things have suddenly stopped talking all at once. And it makes me feel as if I've never heard of emotions my whole life.
But I know deep down that somewhere in my mind, it's still there.
Waiting to resurface again and attack me when I'm at my worst.
When I'm at my lowest.
It's as if it's playing tricks on me, making me feel like I'm crazy, that it was never there and that I've been over paranoid about it all along.
But that's not the case, I know it's not.

It's slowly killing me from the inside out.
First the mind. Then the body.
Slowly and painfully.
I know so, because there are proofs of it all over my left arm.
Marks that it left.
Marks that will never fade.
It will always be there, forever.
A constant reminder of what it is and what it's doing to me.
I hate it.
This thing that has control over me.

Because days where I feel 'normal', also makes me feel like it will never come back.
Because of how calm it is.
But then there'd be days where it shows up with no warning and I'd be left on my bed crying my heart out.
Sometimes I would cry for no reason.
No thoughts, nothing. like right now. Other times, I would think about too many things at once to the point it overwhelms me. Then cry.

Once I start crying, there's no stopping.
I just find it hard to calm down when you've held on up to that point and it all just pours out of you like you're bleeding to death.

I don't know.
I don't know a lot of things.
I know that it's okay to not know everything of anything, but sometimes it can be daunting.
I don't know if it will ever go away.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to kill it myself. Who knows maybe at some point, it will kill me first.
I don't know when I'll stop feeling this way, and to be honest I have a feeling that I won't. Or maybe that's just 'it' talking.
I really don't know.

But what I do know, is that I wish to be okay again.
I wish to go back to the day where I've never felt this way.
When I've never met 'it'.
Because to tell you the truth, no matter how many times I tell myself that I'd let it devour me, I have people here that would care when I'm gone.
People that would miss me.
People that would be sad when I leave. No matter how many times 'it' tells me that they won't.
I know the truth, because I've seen it.

So, I hope one day I'll be able to win and live my life like how I want to.

[song: Sad Forever by Lauv]