Thoughts I Had Today

Destined to become someone that I don't want to be.

April, 12, 2022 | 5:13am

There's something that you don't know.
Something about me that you
and no one else knows,
except for those who share
the same blood as me.
They are the ones closest to the truth.

Deep down I know that I am destined
to become someone that I don't want to be.
Someone that I cant accept the fact,
that I despise them.
Someone that hurt me... hit me... scarred me.

This person is the reason why I'm here.
They hold majority of the reasons as to why
I am, what I am.
Someone that I hate.

A part of me wishes that one day,
I don't become the person that they are.
Because I don't want anyone
to go through that.

I don't want anyone to feel like
they're a burden, that they're a mistake.
Someone that's worthless and useless.
A good for nothing.
Someone that can never do anything right,
no matter how much they try.
Someone who will never be good enough, because they aren't helping enough.

Those words cut deeper than anything.
Specially if they're coming from someone,
who you should be looking up to.

Those words can stay with a child for years.
No matter how old they get,
they will always remember.
They may forgive, but they can never forget.

It's hard because,
I want to love this person, with my whole heart.
But I cant.
Because of the way that they are,
it makes it difficult.
Difficult to accept that they've hurt me,
this much.

But... deep down, a part of me also wishes,
that this person loves me.
Wished that they accept me as I am.
And not lie to my face,
pretending that they did.

I just wish,
that this person would stop
Bad mouthing me to others,
when I'm right there with them.
Because it hurts every time.

I also want to know,
if this person really wanted me.

Do they regret it now?
Because I didn't turn out like they hoped?
I'm scared to know the answer.