Thoughts I Had Today

Lost

I am starting to think that I may not be cut out for this... but where else do I go? What else do I do? I am not the most talented and I do not have a lot of skills to offer, so wherever I go I always feel like I won't fit in.

Why is it so hard to adapt?
Every where I look, I see people who do their part flawlessly - no worry, no anxiety, no second guessing their capabilities. It is like everyone in the room is competent, except me.

I envy them.
They get along well and converse confidently, as if they can openly be themselves without the worry of judgement. Me on the other hand, I find it so hard to do that. The constant worrying of messing up, not meeting the standards and expectancy. It is tiring.
I wish I could catch up.

I always feel like the black sheep in any setting I am in, amongst people that I am not close with - people that do not know me personally. How do they to do it?
Is it confidence? Is it because they are competent?

It is like trying to find the last missing piece to a puzzle, but no matter where I look I cannot find it. I am stuck.

If I quit now, what will happen?
I know for sure that I do not know what I will be doing next, because I do not believe that I can do anything else.
I feel guilty for even having the thought. I have already put the time and effort to get this far, but it is so hard - it is unbelievably overwhelming.
I can't seem to find a way out of it.

I wish I believed in myself more, maybe then I could do many things. But that goal alone seems so far away to reach and I am getting impatient.

The inner child in me is miserable with anything that comes his way. He is always scared. But I do not blame him for feeling that way, since no one really taught him how to be independent, to be resilient and confident in himself, to value himself. He left his purity and innocence behind, sacrificed it just to survive. If only the world wasn't so cruel, he could have lived freely as a child a while longer and not grow up so soon.

But even after that sacrifice, I still find it hard to live even to this day.
It is heartbreaking to say that what he had to do was left in vain.