Thoughts I Had Today

Emotionally unavailable

Growing up in a household with emotionally unavailable parents is really hard.

You're taught from a really young age that expressing your emotions is taboo and a burden;
and every time you do, they either make fun of you and belittle you or completely disregard it.

"Stop crying"
"Don't cry"
"Why are you so upset over this?"
"It's not a big deal"

It's kind of ironic, because as we got older they started to realise that they don't have our full trust at all;
hence why we never confide in them.

And then ask stupid questions like,
"Why don't you ever talk to us?"
"Don't you trust us?"
"We're your parents, we deserve to know"

No, you don't.

Because you never showed that you deserved it.
And because of you, I find it so hard to say what I feel without feeling guilty every time.

I always feel like I'm adding more weight to the  problems that my friends already have, and feel like a bad person for putting them in a difficult position; just for trying to comfort me or helping me figure out ways to find a solution.

I shouldn't have to feel like this, I'm allowed to be upset.
I'm allowed to feel emotions and express them, without feeling the guilt.

But because of them, I have to learn to overcome this stigma from a later age; and most probably later on in my life.

I wonder if this is the reason why I feel so lonely... because I never had anyone to confide in.