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151. BTOB Changsub - Killing Me

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"Why did I love you if I was gonna hurt like this?"

"Seobie..." Your voice was faint. You were trying your hardest not to cry. Well, at least not while he was on the other end of the line. You didn't want him to worry.

You wanted to mock yourself because even at this kind of situation, you still thought about him first. It was always Changsub's comfort before yours. It was a force of habit now. You wanted to be selfish just this once but you couldn't bring yourself to be so. It was unfair. The whole situation at the moment felt unfair but you didn't say it.

"(Y/N)-ah," he sighed. "I'm sorry," Changsub's voice rang from the other end of the line. You couldn't believe that he doing this over a phone call. "It's just..."

"You don't feel the same anymore," you muttered in a low voice as you continued the statement for him. "Can we please not do this over the phone? Please," you begged and it left a bitter taste in your mouth. Why were you begging? You wanted to ask yourself. Were you that desperate to keep him in your life? Were you so in love?

Then again, was it right of him to end a relationship through a phone call?

"Hm," Changsub hummed in affirmation. Even if you couldn't see him, you could imagine it in your head that he was nodding. You could see that some of his hair would fall on his face as he moved his head. "Sorry, (Y/N),"

By now, your throat felt tight. You couldn't breathe. Your chest was constricting. It wouldn't surprise you if you stopped breathing altogether because it was difficult to do so. Your could feel your heart dropping to the deepest and darkest pit of your stomach, only to shatter into millions of tiny pieces the moment it reaches the end.

"I don't want to lose you,"

It was the only thing you could say afterwards. "I don't want to lose you, Changsub," your voice was cracking but your will was keeping you together, at least until he ends the call. The words made you cringe but it was the only line you could think of. It was the most honest and most vulnerable statement you could come up with.

"Don't say things like that," Changsub's voice broke and it was like another bullet to your chest. "I'm sorry. I really am. I know I shouldn't be doing this through a phone call but I can't lie to you any longer. I can't keep leading you on," he explained. "And I'd understand if you'll hate me or if you'll curse at me because I know that this isn't fair,"

"Then why?" You whispered.

"Because..." He sighed. "Because I can't say this in front of you. I know I wouldn't be able to properly say it the moment I would see your eyes tear up... It's also killing me now because I know you're holding back. I don't know if I made the right decision by not being more personal with this but... I'm sorry. I did love you. I still do but it's just not the same,"

—–

It's been a year since you and Changsub broke up. It was difficult because you truly loved the guy. He's been your best friend prior to your relationship. He was the one you leaned on most of the time.

But now... He was nowhere to be seen. Rather, he was too out of reach from you. Changsub was almost every where, especially now that they're promoting another album.

"I miss you," you whispered to the wind as you walked. The feelings were somehow rushing back to your heart and mind as you saw his promotional photo for Remember That in one of the stores you passed by.

You stuffed your hands inside your pockets and hastened your pace, wanting to get away from the poster. Thinking about it just brought back the pain but you had to let him go.

"It's okay Changsub," you sniffed. Your voice was cracking. "I... I understand. Please just forget that I told you not to leave me. That was very selfish of me. I... I'll just leave. I mean, I'll stay away because it'd be harder for both of us to stay as friends,"

You shook your head. What you said was still clear in your head and it made you shudder.

"You really have to move on," you told yourself as you hurried home. On the way, you could feel your phone vibrating in your bag multiple times. You never took it out because you were too busy with your commute home. The only thought that was running through your head was, "I need to lie down on my bed. Now."

When you finally reached your house and lied down on the bed, you took the time to see what it was about. You couldn't help but sigh when you saw it was your friend who is a big fan of BTOB. She knows what happened between you and Changsub so she never dared to take you to one of BTOB's events.

!!!

You have to see this. I know, I know... It's BTOB and your ex-boyfriend is part of the group but... YOU. NEED. TO. SEE. THIS. LISTEN TO IT. I AM CRYING.

I LOVE YOU.

Her messege read. She even sent you a video she probably took during the event. If there was one thing she's good at, it's going to all of BTOB's events in Korea. It doesn't matter if it's all the way across the country. If it's BTOB, you can expect to find her there.

But...

Never did she send you anything about BTOB until now, much less a video of the boys on stage. You knew how great they were. You've seen it first hand but... It's been a while since you've seen then perform something live.

You were nervous. Your hands were shaking as you wondered what was so important that you need to see the video. You took deep breaths to calm yourself before opening the video.

"Changsub hyung wrote one of the songs in this album," Sungjae told the audience. "It's... Well..." He chuckled because he couldn't say what he wanted to say properly. "The title of the song is Killing Me, which will be our next song,"

The audience screamed. The venue was filled with oh's and ah's. The camera then focused on Changsub who looked as good as before. But he seemed a bit thinner that when you last saw him. He was flustered. You could immediately tell by the smile on his lips.

"Hyung, say something about this song," Sungjae urged, a huge grin on his lips.

Shakily, Changsub brought the microphone to closer to his lips. "Uh... This song... I don't know how to describe it. All I can say is I placed all of my heart in it. These are words that I can't say to someone because of what happened," he softly spoke.

The usual cheerful and playful expressions of Changsub were nowhere near his face when he said that. Well, that was until the boys started to tease him.

The moment they started to sing, I couldn't help but listen to the lyrics intently. The whole time, my eyes were glued to the screen as they sang with all their hearts and emotions. But Changsub... Changsub was the one who sang with the most amount of emotion in his voice and his expressions. It was almost like he was reaching out to me.

You're killing me, oh, everyday I'm dying
I cannot breathe without you
So come to me, oh, you said you loved me
I can't, for a single day, forget you
I don't want to lose you

Tears were running down your face by the time the song finished. He never mentioned that it was for you but the lyrics felt like the things he wanted to say to you even after all this time. It made you miss him even more.

A bitter laugh escaped your lips as the tears continued. "You're the one killing me, Lee Changsub,"