Revealing Kane

1 - Upended

I am utterly shattered. John has ended our relationship. I love him so much, but what prevented me from telling him that? Why didn't I just say, 'I love you too?' There's something wrong with me, I guess. Maybe John is right. Eighteen-year-olds know nothing of love.

I can't stay here in London. I can't risk seeing John as it will destroy me to see his handsome face. I adore living with the LeBons, but they are too close to him. He eats dinner with them sometimes, and I couldn't stand to see him and know that I messed us up. Why did I do that??

I want to go home. I want to run back to the States and never think about John Taylor again. Yet he is all I think about. I wonder if he is thinking about me. Does he miss me? Because I miss him like crazy. But should I go home? My modeling career is just starting to grow. Should I give that up because I have a broken heart? I should stay strong, right?

I'm lying in my bed in the LeBon's spare room, but I can't sleep. I keep replaying the last moments of my relationship with John. He told me he loved me, yet I couldn't reciprocate the words, even if I felt them. I froze like a deer in the headlights. Why? I do love him. And because I didn't react - other than stupidly - John kicked me out of his life. Now, I'll never get to tell him just how I feel.

I sigh as I turn onto my side. Tears slowly roll from my eyes. I miss John so much. I should be in his bed, not here alone. I want to go to him, apologize, and continue our relationship. But I don't think John wants that anymore. He doesn't want me. And that's completely my fault.

That thought starts a new round of sobbing. I thoroughly destroyed what John and I had. I will never forget him or how he made me feel. Special. Alive. Loved. I really messed up something that could have changed both of our lives. But now, it is irrevocably shattered, never to be fixed. I am an utter idiot.