Inscrutable (Eddie Munson)

23

***
TW: Chapter Talks about death and self harm/ED
***

"Are you even listening"

Eddie's voice groans while he lays on his bed. It was now Friday afternoon and just like the rest of the week I'm in Eddie's room working on our assignment. But unlike every other day I'm totally unfocused. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what Jason said.
'You could end up dead'

Why would he say that? Or even think it. My mind races with a million thoughts. Some of which are worse than others. Like could Eddie have killed someone? But that couldn't be right. I mean if he did he'd be locked up, not continuing to retake senior year. As much as that makes sense I can't shake the awful feeling. I can't be here again. Not in this situation. I've already gone though this once. I can't be faced with another murderer.
Eddie must notice my anxiousness because next thing I know I feel a hand on my shoulder. Looking up I see his concerned face, I didn't even notice he moved from the bed.

"Are you ok?"
He asks sincerely. I gulp and only nod in respond because words can't seem to form in my brain. But he doesn't look convinced. So he lowers down in front of me swaying slightly on his heels moving his hand down to my knee in a reassuring way.

"You can tell me, I know we don't really know each other very well still but something is obviously bothering you. I mean you've barely said a word today, and considering how annoying I've been that's unusual"

We both let out a small laugh, it's true normally I would've called him out for his childish behavior by now. Once the laughing subsides he continues just to give me an sympathetic stare waiting for me to be the one to say something next.

"Something happened today at gym, with Jason" I say hesitantly knowing the name sparks rage within the boy. His sympathetic smile gone now replaced with a agitated frown.

"Did he do something to you?"
A mixture of worry and angry in his voice. Why would he care if Jason did something?

"Not really, he just cornered me and-" I pause afraid to continue.
"And what?"
Both of us anxious now but for different reasons.

"He told me something. Something about you" I say not making eye contact with him, nervous for how he will respond. He takes a second but he calmly replies.

"Let me guess, he told you I was dangerous and to stay away from me"
I look up at him in confusion not understanding how he could know that but he looks anything but confused. He looks, detached. Like he's heard this many times before. He looks back at me noticing my expression.

"I've seen the way he watches us in class, I knew it was only a matter of time before he said something to you"

I nod and open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. He looks at me and sighs and gets up from his spot on the floor and walks over to the bed and takes a seat with slumped shoulders and a obviously heavy mind. He just sits there looking at his hands neither of us knowing what to do next. I decide to stand up and walk over to him, once I'm in front of him he looks up at me, and I'm surprised to see a glossy film over his eyes. I place my hand on his shoulder and take a seat right next to him.

"He told me if I wasn't careful I'd end up dead"
I finally say when I hear Eddie take a sharp breath in like he has been dreading this conversation forever.

"Is it ok if I ask what that's all about?" I say carefully not wanting to further upset the boy. He nods his head and lets out a shaky breath.

"Remember how I told you that after a certain point in high school things changed?"
I nod remembering the conversation we had at the lake about how his bullying got worse after he started dealer.

"Well it wasn't just the drugs, it really started with Chrissy, Jason's girlfriend"
Despite my confusion I motion for him to keep going which he does,

"I grew up with Chrissy, everyone in this town did and everyone knew that something was wrong but they ignored it. She was the captain of the cheerleading squad she was supposed to be perfect. But she had a secret. One plenty of girls have I'm sure, so I don't think anyone noticed when she skipped meals or heard her throwing up in the bathroom"
He pauses to wipe his eyes so I won't see the emotion coming down his cheeks but I do. I see how distraught he is talking about this girl who he clearly had feelings for the way he talks about noticing her like no one else did.

"One day she came up to me, she wanted to buy some pot and sleeping pills. She thought it could make her feel better I guess. And me being the idiot I am I sold her some. I thought it was a good chance to make some cash and talk to the cute girl that normally wouldn't give me the time of day"
He pathetically laughs. I place my hand on his knee hoping to give him some comfort.

"I didn't think anything of it when she wasn't at school the next day or even the next day but I knew something must be wrong when I saw Jason crying in the the hallway. The minute he saw me though he ran towards me throwing me up against the lockers screaming in my face. I could barely understand him. Some teacher pulled him off me and that's when I learned she OD the same night I sold her those pills"

I held in the gasp that so desperately wanted to escape but I didn't want to make Eddie feel worse than he already does.

"She died?"
I whispered but he slowly shook his head.
"No- I mean yes she did but they got her back"
I sigh out in relief.

"I don't think I've met her yet"
I say slightly confused thinking Jason would've still been with her.

"I wouldn't expect you to, last I heard they sent her off to rehab and to an all girls school"

I look at Eddie who's tears have dried up but a tired expression laid on his face. Things start making sense. The way he seemed relieved that night I only wanted to buy pot and the way Jason hates him and blames him for what happened to Chrissy.

"It's not your fault, you couldn't have known she would've taken all those pills" I say sternly but Eddie doesn't believe me.

"I should've, she was clearly in pain and I selfishly gave her those just for a chance to talk to her. I should've told someone"
He sighs and falls back to lay flat on the bed. I follow suit and turn my head to face him so he can see I mean what I say,

"Hey"
He opens his eyes and turns his head in my direction to meet mine.
"Yes you could've told someone but so could Jason or her friends or her family. So many other people in her life failed her and that's not your fault. You didn't mean for her to get hurt and you're sorry. She's alive and safe and that's all that matters now"

I reach my hand down and interlock our fingers and give his a small squeeze which he returns. Now we just lay there. Taking each other in. I don't know what possessed me to be so empathetic towards him but I think it's because I understand him. He indirectly yet directly caused pain to someone and I know what that's like. I know no matter what I say his opinion of himself won't change but I think in this moment he accepts it. Accepts that fact that it was an accident and so do it. I only wish everyone else could to.
Slowly we close our eyes letting ourselves fall asleep not worrying about what tomorrow will bring.