Crimson Academy

Rabbit and Panic

There's no way.

I am not training with these people.

I can't.

Holy cinnamon and raisin, there's no fucking way.

My heart is literally pounding out of my chest. Maybe I was stupid to believe the training could consist of more physical activity prep.

You know like running, weightlifting, even building up pain tolerance, but I can't do this.

They're fighting, like full combat type stuff. I knew there was target practice and simulators and I thought I would be okay with it. That Cohen wouldn't affect me in every training environment.

But he has.

One of the things Cohen engraved seriously in my head was that everyone who saw me fight would have to die —besides him unfortunately.

The thoughts behind it were that if someone saw me fight, they could memorize moves and my fighting style and that was weakness.

And I can't be weak.

I know there's no consequences now and the likelihood of someone paying attention to me enough to learn how to fight against me is slim, but there's still this sinking feeling inside my gut that I can't seem to get rid of.

Everyone who's seen me fight is now dead — even Cohen.

Fuck.

I'm worried that if I let them see me, if I let them watch me fight, then I'm going to react out of memory and fear and I'll end up hurting someone that doesn't deserve it.

It wasn't that big of a deal when I had to kill an extra person on missions because they were all bad people. I knew that they didn't deserve to live so it wasn't that big of deal, but I don't know if these people are bad because I don't know them.

I'm scared.

Not just of the panic, but I'm scared to hurt someone else.

Even if I did get over this and I knew that I could let people watch me without feeling the need to do damage control I'd still be scared to hurt them.

I don't have an off button when I'm training, its fight fight fight. I wouldn't be able to spar with someone because I don't know when to stop.

I've always fought to kill not to train, and its hard to change that mentality.

I'm worried I'll accidentally kill someone if I spar with them, and I don't want to do that.

I'm not scared of killing people, I've killed more people than I can remember, but I am scared of killing good people. I don't have empathy for the people I kill because they're bad but if I killed someone that was good, I don't think I would be able to recover.

God, this is so fucking stupid Jade.

I hate my brain.

Cohen got me a rabbit when I was 12 after I got distracted during a mission, he said if I ever got distracted again or ruined a mission, he would kill the rabbit.

For five years I went on hundreds of missions, and I completed them all, no distractions no lose ends. I loved that rabbit so much and I couldn't bare if it died.

But one night after a particularly hard mission I came home tired, and I couldn't find my rabbit.

I soon found of that Cohen had killed my rabbit because I was a minute late to pick up.

A fucking minute was all it took for him.

I killed him that morning.

I don't care about killing bad people because they deserve it, but my rabbit didn't deserve it.