Beautiful Lie [John 'Soap' Mactavish]

Twenty Four [Two Months]

Alyssa sat at the island in her kitchen, her fingers running through her hair tugging at the strands gently, she stared at the empty piece of paper that mocked her from the counter. She groaned loudly filling her wine glass once more.

She had put off writing to John for a month, she had started the letter countless times, but never quite found the right words for what she wanted to say, she took a large mouthful of wine, seizing her pen.

Dear John,

Hi

She groaned, ripping the paper, and tossing it to join the countless other crumped sheets of white paper that littered her floor. She once again stared at an empty page, Sian's words ringing in her mind.

Just say everything you want to say to him

She finished another glass of wine, exhaling a sharp breath and pressing her pen to the paper once more.

Dear John,

I don't quite know where to begin, or even what to say.

You have no idea how many times I've tried to write this. I've tried to make sense of what I want to tell you, you deserve an explanation.

I never intended for any of this to happen, I never imagined any of this would happen, I never thought when I came to Crendenhill I would meet you.

I suppose I should start at the beginning.

I'm sure you already know this, but my name is not Emily, my name isn't Anastasia either, its Alyssa, I told you before I left the only thing, I lied about was my name and that is the truth, everything I ever told you about me, about my family was real, it was me.

I work for the government, obviously due to the nature of my job I can't tell you everything, but I mean when I say this John, I never meant to hurt you.

You told me I was a sickness you couldn't get rid of; I didn't quite know what you meant at the time, but I do now. You are my sickness now, you plague my every waking moment, I regret a lot of John.

I allowed myself to be consumed by the fantasy of being Emily, of being yours. I meant every word I said to you, every second we spent together I wouldn't change.

I know this will do little to answer any questions you have or ease the anger you feel towards me, and I hope one day you will allow me to explain fully.

Be safe John

Alyssa.

Without taking a second to re-read her words or talk herself out of it, she folded the paper placing it neatly into an envelope. She sighed heavily, staring at the address written across the front. Her head fell to her hands as a fresh wave of tears filled her eyes.

Mactavish groaned slightly, His fist connecting roughly with the punching bag in front of him, sweat gathered at his brow as his bare fists continued to collide with the sack, it swung back and forth with every blow, his muscles ached but the ache in his body took his mind of the pain in his chest every time he thought of her.

Everyone had noticed the change in the captain since she left. He was more abrupt, quicker to anger, quicker to dish out punishments on people if they made the tiniest mistake, Captain Mactavish had become insufferable the last two months.

The betrayal he felt when he thought of her, when she came to him in his dreams with Turgenev, it made him sick to his stomach, knowing he put his men in danger, he was careless. Price was right about him.