Circles - Post Malone

Sixty Eight

She throws the blanket and pillow off her head and sits up. What is he doing here? What's going on? She runs a million questions through her head. Seeing him here has made her lose the ability to speak so she just stares at him. Too scared to blink in case he disappears. He scans her face and then offers her a small smile. He is so handsome, so wonderful. Austin.

"I thought you wanted to move on...leave me in the past."

"That's just the thing, Dahlia. I have never been any good at leaving you in the past. You are burnt into my soul."

"But today-"

"I was angry. I am still angry...you hurt me."

"I know," Dahlia says climbing out of the bed covers and crawling closer to Austin on her knees. She does not touch him because his body language makes it very clear that she should not. "I know I did. I am sorry," she says. Austin bites his bottom lip, "I think that's the first apology I have heard from you that I haven't had to force out of you," he says. "I will apologize a million times if that's what you want," she says.

"I didn't come here to make you grovel or apologize excessively."

"Then why are you here?"

"Dahlia, I just came to make sure you are alright. I don't want to go in circles with you."

"Can I explain? Please just hear me out?"

Austin searches her face then nods once.

"I am not good with words. I am not sure what to say here."

"Dahlia..." Austin trails off and she can see his muscles flex as he starts to stand. The desperation she feels for not being able to tell him how she feels fills her with fear. "No, no, no, no, please. Just hear me out. Please. Just give me a fucking second to get my head together. Please,"  she begs. Austin sighs and sits back down again. "ok, you have a two minutes and then I am going," he says. He is very serious, she can see in his face. "You going to go no matter w-what I say?" she asks, desperation pulling on her bones. "Dahlia, I am here just to see if you are ok. I don't want to see you hurt. I...I don't think you can say what I need you to say," he says. She has lost him but she needs to tell him how she feels - if she lets him leave like this he is never coming back. Dahlia fiddles with her bottom lip. What the fuck does she say? How the fuck does she put it into words. Without thinking she reaches into her shirt and pulls out her locket then hands it to Austin. He looks at it sadly then back at Dahlia.

"I am sorry you lost her, Dahlia. I wish I could bring her back for you. But..."

"Open it," she says quietly. Austin gives her a pointed look but obliges and opens the locket. He freezes when he sees his photo beside her mothers. He knows how sacred that space is and what it would mean to have him in there. For so many years it belonged to only her and her mother. He lifts his head slowly and looks at her. She takes a chance and leans forward then cups his cheeks.

"I love you," she whispers. It feels like Austin stops breathing and swallows thickly as his eyes widen a little at her confession. "I have always loved you. From the first time, I saw you.  I told my mother about you. You are interwoven into my memories of her. We used to speak about you for hours. She liked you back then but if she knew you now she would adore you. The only reason I went to New York was to see you, the only reason I agreed to take part in that stupidly put-together relationship is that I am so very much in love with you that I would take you any way I can. In my fucked up head I had convinced myself that you were in love with Gina, but that's only because I could not see past my own insecurities. Letting you go that day...calling you nothing, calling us nothing...that was a lie. The biggest lie I ever told. You are not nothing, you are everything. I can't do this, I don't want to do this without you. I am angry that I let you slip through my fingers. I am sorry that I hurt you and...and I feel sick at the thought of you with that blond woman...I will want to be her for the rest of my life."

Somehow while Dahlia has been talking she has slowly crept onto Austin's lap, straddling him. He has not pushed her off, but rather he is holding her locket to his chest with one hand while the other is resting on her hip. "You love me?" he whispers. Dahlia nods and offers him a little smile. She loves him. "Say it again," he says. Dahlia's smile widens a little. "I love you," she says. "Again," he demands.

"I love you. I will say it as much as you like, over and over again. I love you."   

"Ok. One more time please."

"I love you."

"I want you to say it all the time. Whenever I ask and even when I don't."

"I will."

"I don't want a secret relationship, Dahlia."

"We will tell everyone and I will tell them that I love you."

"You will tell everyone that you love me?"

"Yes. Everyone...especially that blond woman."

Austin lets his head fall back as a laugh rumbles out of him then he looks back at Dahlia. "I am going to be honest with you. I don't even know who that blond woman is, I was just being bitchy," he says. Dahlia's mouth drops open, "Austin-" she starts but is cut off when he stands, taking her with him then lays her on the bed and settles over her, hips between her thighs. Then he dips his head and kisses her. Dahlia's stomach swoops and her head spins. Is he forgiving her? Is he taking her back? She breaks the kiss and pushes him up so she can see his face.

"What does this mean? I need straight answers Austin. We have been going in circles for a fucking decade. There were too many riddles and buried truths. All this shit could have been avoided if we had not spoken in fucking riddles," Dahlia says. Austin reaches over and places her locket on the bedside table then settles over her again. "Well to be fair, I spoke in riddles. You clamped up like a fucking vice grip," he says brushing some loose strands of hair out of her face. "I worked your stupid riddles out. Daisy...Dahlia and your band name - you spell Hart like my surname," she says proudly. "Took you fucking long enough," Austin says then dips his head and runs his lips along her jaw.

"No. Austin stop," she says grabbing his face and making him look at her. "I need a clear head, it's already fuzzy with you between my thighs like this," she says. Austin smirks and grinds down. Dahlia is going to fucking die. "Austin! I fucking mean it. This is important to me...please," she says. Austins watches her for a second then cocks his head with a crooked smile. "You are right. I am sorry, sweetheart. What do you want to say?" he says. "Why did you not just tell me? Why speak in riddles? Why drag it out?" she asks.

"I did not think you would accept what I said. Besides, you can be pretty intimidating."

"But you told me you loved Gina. Whenever I or anyone asked if you loved her you never denyed it. You said yes."

"No I did not. Name one time that I said I was in love with Gina."

Dahlia tries to think. But he is right he has never said he loves Gina. He spoke of his feeling for Daisy - but never Gina. Dahlia is Daisy.

"But why not tell me? Why string it out?"

"Would you have accepted what I said? I tried but you had made up your mind that I had a thing for Gina, which I never did, ever...just so we are clear. I am no fucking phycologist but I think you did that for a reason."

"What reason?"

"I don't know. Your dad killed the one person you loved most in the world right in front of you. That would fuck up anyone's perception of life and love. I did not tell you how I felt because I thought you would run from me...and you did. When I pushed you too hard to tell me what we were doing - you turned on me. Told me the one thing you knew that would tear me down."  

"I would not run now."

"I know, baby."

"I am sorry."

"I know, baby."

"I love you."

"I know that too, baby."

"You are talking in circles again. My cards are on the table, I need you to do the same. Don't be fucking vague."

"What would you like to know?"

"Everything...or nothing. I just don't want this divide between us."