Just them in me

It's all on me

A/N: I suggest to not read, if you are not in a mood to feel sad. 

I found myself smiling. Who wouldn't smile at Tay scrambling around the kitchen with dough all over his face, panicking  about burning them even before his pancakes started cooking. A chuckle escaped my throat, but I couldn't here it. And I realised I am not in reality. I looked around to convince myself that it's indeed not the present. The pastry infront of me suddenly felt disgusting. I immediately stood myself up and left  the room. 

I stepped into the balcony taking in the late morning brightness and warm air. Tay would have said it's not warm but too hot. No, not again, I gripped my head begging it to let him go, to forget about him. I found my eyes getting blurry, how is it that it got this easy for me to cry these days. 

I blinked them back shook my head and stepped into my bedroom, there was no one, ofcourse I knew there was no one, why was i expecting someone to be there to wrap me up and comfort me. I gritted my teeth, getting angry at my own heart, I have no idea why is it being so stubborn when it already knows he is not coming back. 

Afterall he never said we were exclusive, we played around a bit but never dated, I told him I love him , He told me he loves me too, Didn't mean we promised each other forever. He has never put me first, never replied to my messages. We just used to hangout together after work, then why is it that I built hope. The only times he reached out to me first was when he was too hungry and needed me to get him food. I knew he was not serious, then why was I?

Why? why did I have to get naked with him? Why did i have to let him touch me? Why did I let him have his way with me? Why was I soo desperate to satisfy him? Now I can't even look at my face with out remembering how his tongue rolled over my swollen lips. Will i ever be able to forget him? If i try sleeping with someone else, would i still be imagining it to be him? How do i get out of this mess?

I showed him my worst states, he said it was okay. Then why am I the only one who is embarrassed now? I should have kept atleast a bit of me to myself, I shouldn't have handed my everything to him. Now i don't have anything left for myself, he took it all how am i ever going to get it back. 

I heard my phone ringing on the dining table and my heart beat quickened, I ran to it and answered. There was  a long silence of a second and then I heard... "Hello , Sir!" That's not him, it's not his voice. I immediately cut the call so I can calm myself. 

I walked back into the bedroom, He was laying on the bed completely covered. He looked deep in sleep. So, I tiptoed and laid down beside him gently pulling the remaining blanket onto me. He stirred and moved to wrap his hands around me. He was flush against my back I panicked, He doesn't have a single clothing on him, I could feel every inch of his skin against me. 

"Tay...!" I whined and pushed him away. 

He only jumped over me and covered my front now instead of my back, his smile was as wide as it could get.... "Surprise...!" He exclaimed and his lips were immediately on my ears. Why would I stop him now?

I turned on to the other side and pulled the blanket over my head. It's late morning but who cares, it's not like I have someone to share my blanket or my time. So I spent time asking myself , Will this ever stop? Will this ever lessen? This lonely obsession, Will it ever come to an end?

I was there for him, He has there for me. I have loved him, He has loved me. I kissed him, He kissed me back. I gave him a hand job, he took away my virginity. I only had him, But he has many. I never asked for a date, he never brought me flowers. So, it's not like he had to tell me when he got a girlfriend, It's not like he needed my permission. It's his life afterall, I just considered him my life. May be I was stupid to give it my all, expecting something I knew I would never have, It's all on me, I just wish that this punishment will be over soon. I couldn't help but hold my pillow and sob into it. Atleast it won't be able to accuse me that I am not strong enough to not cry. 

P.S: Sorry, guys, just had to get it out. 

P.S.S: Crying has made me thirsty, I need some water. Damn, the way his adam's apple bobs when he drinks water and that one time he was too sweaty to be bothered by the water actually  dribbling down on it.