Skulls and Scars

Relapsed.

Johnny was blushing, face flushed red.
I was crossing a boundary that I swore I wouldn't cross out of loyalty to Simon...
I was no better than a stray animal.
My mental health was in shambles and my emotions were up my sleeves. I wanted to snuggle, being taken cared of, simply be loved.
And Simon wouldn't be able to do that. He wasn't there. And it was partially my fault. Johnny was staring at me, completely flustered.

- I'm sorry if I asked too much...

- You didn't asked anything absurd... I just got taken by surprise, that's all.

- I feel like I'm making a mistake...

- No, don't think like that! - he was all apologetic. - I reacted in a weird way, yanno... We have nothing with each other anymore, I think of you as my friend.

- But I thought differently, Johnny.

- What you mean...?

- I thought of you as a man for a moment... I went too far.

Johnny looked into my eyes, like he was trying to process what I've just blurted out. I was just there, trying to stand still while my body was just being a nuisance. He was bewildered, scratching his mohawk, trying to find words for that awkward scenario.
I've sat down on the closed toilet and started to take off my clothes. My shirt was all ripped apart and filthy with fumes and blood; I was relieved when I got rid of it. As I started to remove my yoga pants, Johnny immediately snapped out of whatever was on his mind and went on his knees to help me out.

- My bad, lassie! I was too distracted with what you said...

- I didn't say anything extraordinary, Johnny. It was just an unpleasant confession.

- To me it sounded like you still have a thing for me, yeah...?

- Your ego shouldn't be present in this conversation. - I was about to take off my bra.

- Wait a dang minute! ...Are you really going to get your tits out with me here?!?

- There's nothing here in me that you haven't seen before.

- Eh, you're right about that... But I'll never be able to control myself anyway.

I stopped halfway to look at him. Johnny was just there, on his knees and just a few inches away from me, staring with a predatory glare in his bright blue eyes, framed by a lustful expression on his face.
I knew that face too well; he was feeling feral, ready to lunge at me and devour my body in the messiest sex ever done in our lives. My arms unconsciously crossed in front of my breasts as soon as I noticed his bulge growing inside his sweatpants. He started to get closer, unable to stop himself from doing it. I tried to fall back.

- This is a mistake, Johnny...

- It's the only mistake I'm willing to make...

- Thank you for helping me with the bath. I can take it from here. - I was getting anxious, trying to dodge.

- I want to join ye, Elise.

- I will tell Simon...!!!

Like a magic spell being broken, Johnny snapped out of it. He shaked his head, feeling confused and guilty. He got up, placed his hands inside his pockets and left the bathroom without a single word. That was the first time that I saw him get so painfully silent.

In that moment, I felt like shit. I've teased him out of neediness, pulling his heartstrings just because I could... Knowing damn well that he didn't fully got over me and our relationship...

I was no better than a stray animal indeed.

I dragged myself to the bathtub, feeling the sudden temperature rise. My muscles softened, and the sore feeling on my body was slowly disappearing through the hot water. And with the soreness disappearance, my tears rolled down my face. I cried.
I was embarassed, exhausted, feeling lonely and frustrated. I was sabotaging a friendship and a relationship over selfish thoughts.
What was I thinking at the moment...? Am I so deranged that I can't respect anyone when I'm fragile?