Lost In Our Imagination 2: Not As Planned

54 - Ben or James?

February 2019

Livi's P.O.V

I hadn't spoken to Katie since I told her about the real reason Ben was here. I'd texted Ben a few times and he wanted to meet up and as usual I was pretending everything was fine with James. The truth was I didn't know how to handle everything that was going on. James and I had got back to a good place in our relationship after all the awkwardness after I came back from America and then the random patch of it again after new years. I always thought that he was just annoyed at me for going home and not talking to him or letting him come with me. But I feel like there was more going on than I knew about. If I had never remembered James the truth is I probably would have gone out with Ben when he asked me the first time. I don't know what life would be like now. I would probably be living in this apartment with Ben and still have no idea who James was. Or maybe Ben and I would have had a horrible relationship and I would have still ended up with James. The thing is I chose James over Ben the first time, but would I do it again... All that keeps running through my mind is everything that Ben has said to me over the past few months. After finally admitting how I felt about him I couldn't help but feel relieved. I was happy he finally knew the truth and I was shocked how easy it felt when I was with him. I'm never going to be able to forget our argument on the beach turning in to us finally getting together...

***

"Really how complicated can it be? You just left, without telling me why! And Ella, what you did to her was just cruel"

"I didn't mean to hurt her" he yelled at me.

"Then why did you do it!" I yelled back stopping in the street.

"Because Livi I'm still in love with you, I never got over you, I know what I did to Ella was horrible and she didn't deserve it but I needed to get my mind away from you after you shoved him in my face, especially by letting him move in with us. I tried to be ok with you and James, you're my best friend and I want you to be happy more than anything, but you're everything to me Livi and I couldn't stand to be around you falling in love with a guy that wasn't me." I couldn't listen to him go on anymore, everything he just said broke my heart so I did the only thing I wanted to do in that moment. I kissed him. I placed my arms round his neck and once he relaxed his hands found their way to my waist. After a minute or so I pulled away.

***

Ben is an amazing guy, he makes me feel so different than I do when I'm with James. James is lovely and I'm so happy to have got to know him and even have gone out with him. But I don't know, maybe I just feel so different because I've been with James so long. Well, it's not really been that long. Ben and I could never of worked what with him being in American which is why I said that I was going to stay with James and make it work. Even Ben understood that.

***

"This week with you has been amazing, but we both made our choices when you moved out here and I got back together with James"

"So this is as far as we can go?"

"We both knew this was it for us, I love you Ben, but you live here now and I would never ask you to give up your job to move back"

"So as long as I'm out here, it's the end of us and you'll stay with James?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so"

***

I can't believe he moved all the way back over here just to be with me, even with a chance of there not even being an us. I always wonder if James would have done the same thing. But I guess I'll never know now... I do know that James has always stuck by me though. Even though I didn't remember him he stuck by me 3 years and waited. He didn't move on, he didn't even think about it. How could I now throw that back in his face and be with the guy he was always scared he would lose me too. Even now thinking back to that day I don't feel bad about kissing Ben even thought I was with James. I know I didn't remember a whole lot from James and I before the accident, but one memory came back to me pretty much after James and I got back together. How James and I finally admitted that we liked each other.

***

"James where are you going" I moaned walking after him as he stormed out of the building.

"I can't do this anymore, I told you how I felt and you let me believe that you actually liked me as well, but then you bring HIM along and practically start..... Dating right in front of me" he yelled stopping in the middle of the car park.

"James listen..." I started but he stopped me.

"I don't want to be used by you, I really like you."

"James I..."

"Just tell me that you would rather date Finn or whoever so I can move on and stop thinking that there may be something, anything between us"

"If you'd listen to me..."

"You know what, I don't even want to hear it, have fun with Finn, I'll just be the 'friend' that.." I knew there was no way he was going to stop talking and listen to me so there was only one thing I could do to get him to shut up. I walked closer to him pulled his face to face me and kissed him. He seemed surprised at first but soon placed his hands on my waist and relaxed. I pulled away and smiled.

"I want to be with you, not Finn, YOU"

"Thank god" he smiled picking me up and spinning me round.

"So, are you going to stop being crazy James now" I laughed as he put me down.

"There is no crazy James" he said casually while putting an arm round me.

"Of course there isn't, because that never happened" I winked walking in front of him, grabbing his hand and pulling him back inside.

***

Even now James is just like he was back then. He saw every guy as competition to him, when they weren't. The other day that really stuck out in my mind from before my accident was New years eve. This year was our first new years eve since then, well when we were together anyway, and we didn't even spend it together. Our last New Years Eve was probably the best one I ever had, but if I end up with Ben, it's not really going to be that special any more, is it?

***

"10"

"9"

"So are you going to kiss me at midnight" James whispered in my ear.

"7"

"6"

"Oh god, you've reminded me I have to go and find that guy I promised I would kiss" I said looking towards the doors.

"3"

"2"

"Are you being.." James started but then everyone yelled Happy New Year so I just kissed him.

"Is this how your always going to shut me up?" He asked pulling away.

"Have a problem with it?"

"Please be my girlfriend" he asked shaking his head laughing.

"I guess so" I winked kissing him again.

"Oh, Happy New Year by the way" I said pulling away again.

"Yep, Happy New Year" he nodded before closing the gap between us once again.

***

I don't know what's going to happen between me, James and Ben but whatever does, I really do like both of them. I know James and I have been going through a rough patch at the moment but we were really starting to get back to a good place. We're getting along and really feel like we're friends. We talk all the time and it feels like I was living with Katie again. I don't know what to do....