Weather the Storm (LOTUS SERIES 1)

CHAPTER 37

Tinawagan ako kanina ni Brian. May pinapadaanan siya sa akin sa unit niya bago ako tumungo sa lugar na pupuntahan namin. He's there already. Dumiretso na siya ro'n pagtapos ng graduation nila. 

I don't want to go out. I don't want to do anything. Sinubukan kong kausapin si Brian kanina na i-postpone muna ang lakad daw namin, ngunit hindi siya pumayag. Hindi mawala sa isip ko ang naging pag-uusap namin ni Evander kagabi. I fell asleep with it on my mind. 

Ang instruction ni Brian, somewhere in the living room lang daw iyong card niya. Yes. Naiwan niya ang card niya. I looked for it and found it lying above the drawer carelessly. I put it in my wallet and turn to leave when I catch a glimpse of his room door. Nakatingin lang ako ro'n habang naglalaban ang puso't isip ko kung pupuntahan ko ba o hindi. 

I find myself in front of it in the end. 

Pinihit ko pabukas ang seradura. Bumungad sa akin ang kulay abo niyang kuwarto. It's a gray room. As in. Almost everything here is grey. It looks gloomy. It feels gloomy. Walang buhay. Hindi sinasadyang mahagip ng mata ko ang laptop na nakapatong sa study table niya. May computer set din doon. Agad na pumasok sa isip ko ang video'ng pinakita niya sa akin. Wala akong sinayang na panahon, malalaki ang hakbang ko at agad na binuksan ang laptop nang makalapit. 

It opened immediately. No password. Tuwang-tuwa ako na napahampas-hampas pa ako sa lamesa. Agad kong hinalungkat ang files niya. Ramdam ko ang paglaho ng tuwa ko nang wala akong makitang video. 

Is it here? Or did he save it on the computer?

Napatitig ako sa computer. Hindi ako confident na magbukas ng computer. Kahit iyong kay Evander nga hindi ko binubuksan. But since I'm here, I want to know where the video is so I can delete it by myself. I don't think Brian deleted it yet, and I don't know if he's ever going to delete it. 

"Where are you…" I say to myself. 

I bite the tip of my index finger before I decide to click the trash bin. There's not many files here, so a video will really stand out. And it does. I see it. 

"Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh." 

Nanginginig at nagpapawis ang mga kamay ko. Pinakatitigan ko muna ang video bago iyon pinindot at pinermanent delete. Agad na bumigay ang tuhod ko at halos mapasalampak ako sa sahig, mabuti at napahawak ako sa lamesa. Hinayaan kong umiyak ang sarili ko. 

Is it that easy? I can't believe it's that easy! 

Finally, the video is gone. I deleted it myself. I can feel the burden shifting off my shoulder. It's a different kind of relief. I surprisingly find myself breathing calmly, I laugh. It's as if a hand is gone on my neck. Parang ngayon lang ulit ako nakahinga ng maayos. 

Pilit akong tumayo at pinatay ang laptop kahit pa nanginginig ang buong katawan ko. 

Wala na. Wala na 'yung nagtatali sa akin sa sitwasyon ko ngayon. I deleted it. Ako mismo. At iba ang dala no'n sa akin dahil sigurado ako. Ako ang nagbura. Nakita ko mismo. Para akong nakalaya. I didn't realise that I was this suffocated the whole time. I didn't realise that I was prisoning my radical thoughts. Now that the source of my worry is gone, I can think of things more clearly as if I break off magic that's casted in my mind. Everything seems easier now. 

I'm going to break free from Brian. I don't care anymore about what happens next.  

Nilabas ko ang cellphone ko at agad na dinial ang number ni Evander. First call, he didn't answer. Second. Third. Fourth. Until I arrived at the place Brian wanted to take me out for dinner. I decided to send him a message instead. He's probably angry about how our conversation went last night.