Weather the Storm (LOTUS SERIES 1)

CHAPTER 42

Nakatulog akong umiiyak. Paggising ko kinabukasan, nakatulala lang ako sa ceiling. I can see it clearer now, but still not like before. Parang kailangan ko ng salamin. Nilingon ko si Evander na tulog sa tabi ko at hindi ko na napigilan pa ang muling pagluha. Tinakpan ko ang mukha ko at hinayaan lang ang sarili na umiyak. 

I lost my child. 

I still can't process it. Parang hindi kapani-paniwala, pero walang rason para magsinungaling si Evander sa akin tungkol sa bagay na 'to. At kahit isipin kong hindi totoo, hindi puwedeng magsinungaling ang katawan ko sa mga naramdaman niya. At wala akong ala-ala ng menstruation ko nung mga panahong 'yon. Wala akong matandaan.

Naramdaman ko ang mahigpit na pagyakap sa akin ni Evander na lalong kinabuhos ng mga luha ko. Hinalikan niya ang balikat ko at ang ulo ko. Wala siyang sinabi ngunit sapat na sa akin na sinasamahan niya ako at hinahayaan sa pag-iyak.

Napaka-bigat. Hindi ko alam na kaya kong makaramdam ng ganitong lungkot at katinding sakit. It wasn't this tormenting when I was getting beaten. It's almost unbearable. 

"You can give me some of it, Daciana. You can unload it to me…" aniya. 

Humarap ako sa kaniya at sumiksik sa bisig niya imbes na magsalita. He embraces me tighter and caresses my hair. 

"It's painful, right?" Aniya. Tumango-tango ako. "You don't have to go through it alone. I'll always be here. We'll get through it together," 

"Hindi ko alam…" I cry. 

Umalis si Evander sa puwesto niya ngunit nanatili ako. Kahit pa nang itayo niya ako at sinandal sa kaniya, nanatili akong umiiyak, parang walang buhay. Hinang-hina. Inayos niya ang buhok na nakaharang sa mukha ko at mahigpit akong niyakap mula sa likod. He kisses me on my temple gently. 

"Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam." Sambit ko habang umiling-iling. 

"It'll be fine. You didn't want it to happen," 

Lalo lang akong naiyak. 

"Nawala pa rin siya…" dahil sa akin. "... I didn't know… hindi ko siya naprotektahan…" 

"It's not your fault, love. I'm sure if you knew, you'd do everything for him. I know it." 

"We still lost him…" 

"He wasn't meant for us. We have to move forward, Dacina. No matter how painful this is," 

"I could've saved him. Kaya ko 'yon. Kung nalaman ko lang…" 

"I know. I know.  Everyone knows. It's not your fault. You didn't want it to happen," 

And I cry more. There's no excuse that can take away this feeling. I lost him because I lost him. He died because his own mother didn't know he existed. He died because I was so focused on myself and I was busy protecting others. 

Protecting others and I couldn't even protect the life that was inside me. My own blood.

"Galit ka ba?" Tanong ko. 

"Walang rason para magalit ako," 

"Pinabayaan ko 'yung anak mo…" 

Humigpit ang yakap niya sa bewang ko. "Hindi mo pinabayaan. You were just trying to be alive," 

Umiling-iling ako. "There were signs, Van. A lot. At lahat binalewala ko-"

"You didn't know, Daciana. It's not your fault. You weren't aware that there's a life growing inside you,"