I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

15. Art School Wannabe

Winter break came fast. James made plans with Lily to meet each others parents, and to be honest he was excited. He knew lily would love his mom and dad, and they were excited to meet her. Over the years it seemed like he talked about lily constantly, it seemed strange that his parents hadn't met her earlier.

Remus ended up staying over the whole break as he often did, Peter would come and go, but never stayed overnight. On Christmas eve, the potters invited the Evans over to dinner, and they accepted, which surprised James, but he parents were delighted, already planning what to eat. Euphemia was a literal ball of sunshine constantly, radiating good vibes to all those around her. She loved everyone for who they were, and seemed to have this charm that made everyone feel comfortable and accepted around her. She could never hate anyone for how they were born, whether they were a muggle, squib, gay straight, or anything you couldn't control. She loved all, and that's what James always loved about her, and he really hoped Lily's family loved her as much as he does.

Before Lily's parents came over, James had to go to therapy. He hates therapy, and he hates his therapist. He felt like it never helped, he still had his episodes, he still had his mood swings, he still couldn't control  himself.

His therapist was a muggle man who's wife was a witch who worked in St. mungo's, so he knew about the magic world, but had no idea what Hogwarts was like - the stress, the people, he didn't understand.

"So James, have you been practicing any of the coping skills we have been working on?" Dr Brown asked.

James shook his head, "never got the chance." He mumbled.

Dr brown smiled for a moment, "So no episodes during the school year?" He asked with a hopeful expression.

"I had a few, but I had a... friend help me sort of." James admitted. It felt weird calling Barty a friend, but he wouldn't bother telling school drama to his therapist.

"So are you more comfortable being near people during episodes?" The therapist asked.

James shook his head, "he's in a different house than I am, but I ran into him during an episode and he helped me calm down." James said.

"That's great, that means we are making progress. The fact that you didn't push him away, and let him help you really shows your improvement."

James hated that fake enthusiasm Dr. Brown always seemed to have, telling James of accomplishments that weren't real. In the end, James left feeling unaccomplished and worse than he did walking in. He didn't know why it never seemed to help. Everyone says therapy helps. Therapists are supposed to help. So why can't James accept that help? He wanted to scream.

When James got home, his mother was setting the table for dinner. Remus was helping in the kitchen with James's father, Sirius watching from across the kitchen island, still more distant from Remus than he usually was, but at least they were talking. James wished it wasn't so tense, but he had to be understanding.

"James, Lily will be over in less than an hour, how about you go clean yourself up?" His mother told him. James nodded and went to shower. He looked at himself in the mirror and noticed how much of a mess he was, his hair worse than usual from running his hands through it, face red and eyes puffy, scratch marks on the back of his hands. His knuckles were red. He needed to stop fidgeting with his hands, it was getting bad.

The only people other than Barty who had seen James during full blown episodes had been his parents. Not even Sirius had seen him like that, and he would never dream of him or Lily seeing him like that. James was constantly afraid that he would snap at someone he loved, he tried hard to push all his emotions down, no matter how hard it was to control the mood swings. Sometimes he locked himself in his room for days, not even opening the door for Sirius, or even Remus when he came over. James hated how something in his head could control his life so dramatically. During school, it wasn't that bad. He his friends to ground him, and he could always sneak out alone at night, but there were days where he would sit in a bathroom stall all day, or even the forest, hiding from his friends, sobbing silently, or punching trees.

James took a scolding hot shower, then headed back to the living room where Sirius was now on the couch, clearly thinking about something, which was unusual for him.

"What are you thinking about?" James leaned his head on Sirius's shoulder.

"You don't mind that Remus is... gay?" Sirius mumbled, so quiet that James could barely hear.

James looked over at Remus, a smile on his face as he cooked with Fleamont. He was so bright and loveable. James could never hate him. Besides, he wasn't homophobic, but so many others were.

"I would never hate anyone for anything." James said softly, "especially not my best friends. You're not homophobic are you?" James asked. It just came back to his mind that Sirius was not raised like he was. He was raised in a cloud of ignorance, of hate.

"No." Sirius whispered, "promise you won't hate me."

"I would never, Pads. You know that." James said.

"I think I might like Remus. I can't be gay, I like girls, but... I don't know" Sirius sighed, "he's just so..."

"I understand." James said, " you don't have to exclusively like one or the other y'know." James smiled softly.

"Really? So I'm not a freak?" Sirius asked.

"Nah you still are, but we wouldn't be the marauders if we weren't all a little freaky." James winked. Just then the door rang, so James got up to answer.

"We all love you pads." He patted Sirius on the head before leaving to answer the door.

𝄽

Oh my god so much has happened. Tomorrow is my last ever marching band rehearsal, this whole year is filled with too many lasts and i keep crying to my mom like a little kid, its embarrassing. Uh anyway how are y'all? My ex tried to kill some kids in my band during one of our rehearsals last week. 

So ill try to explain the situation the best I can for those of you who are curious. My ex is in theatre tech, which theatre gets out of their rehearsals way earlier than us. important context, where I live it doesnt rain much, and people here dont know how to properly drive in the rain because of that (theyre stupid and brainless) but it was the middle of rehearsal and it was quite literally downpouring at this point, so in a car driving too fast, you wouldnt be able to see practically anything (thats why ppl drive slow in the rain fucking idiots, i swear all week ppl have been speeding and swerving, trying to kill me) but anyway, some time around 7 or something i see his jeep speeding past the bus loop which is not connected to our band practice lot, so I dont think the band directors even saw him speeding that way up towards the theatre area. a few minutes later, he decided to drive across our lot, which nobody is allowed to drive on, we have it blocked off with cones and the director yells at anyone driving there because even driving slowly with no rain it is still a hazard to our equipment and students. you know what this asshole decides to do!? Speed as fast as he can right between the students and the speakers while not being able to see at all because of the rain and the speed he was driving, knowing how his jeep works, he was probably fucking flooring it. I think its also important to note that numerous times when we were together, he would drive like that with me in the car. he drove into the left lane in a crowded area and almost got us ran over with a huge ass pickup truck, he swerves, he goes double the speed limit in already fast areas (45 mph, fucking double that) his speed gauge is also supposedly broken (its only 5 off, not an issue he says) fuck you. also his complete disregard for his jeep caused it to almost blow up with us in it. anyway all yall need to know is that his driving fucking scares me so much that not even being in the car caused me to practically break down to the point where people in my section who usually do not give a shit were asking if i was okay. The band director asked for his name and said hes probably never parking on school property again, and i havent seen his jeep in the student parking lot since then.