I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

53. It's Only Sex

James and Regulus ended up losing track of time, and when a knock came on the door, James didn't know what to do, he began freaking out, trying not to be loud enough for it to be heard on the other side of the door. 

"Shit shit shit, it's Sirius," James whispered, trying to find a place to hide Regulus. He ended up with Regulus behind the door as he answered, as the dormitory was so open that almost all angles of the room could be seen from the door. 

"James. are you doing alright? I wanted to ask if you were coming for supper?" Sirius asked when James finally built up the courage to open the door, pushing Regulus against the wall by his chest. 

"U-uh yeah, just let me get ready. I'll be there" James said, slightly out of breath from the nerves when Regulus grabbed James's hand and moved it upwards to his own face. James's breath halted in his throat. 

"You sure you're doing alright?" Sirius asked with a concerned expression. 

"Y-yeah, I'll see you in the great hall." 

"Okay. Thank you, I'm proud of you James." Sirius smiled, he didn't know the entire situation, but he supported James however he could. James watched as Sirius rejoined Peter and Remus, and headed out of the common room. Once out of sight, James closed the door.

"Do you want us to get caught?" James rubbed his thumb of Regulus's cheek and stepped closer. He pulled his boyfriend in for a kiss, practically devouring him. James pushed Regulus against the wall and started kissing his neck, running his hands down his boyfriend's body. Regulus leaned into the kiss, and it didn't take long for things to escalate. James pulled Regulus as close as physically possible, letting out a soft moan.  

"you should go find your friends," Regulus pushed him away, catching his breath. 

"But we're just getting started," James whined, but when he looked at Regulus's face, he saw the tears welling up in Regulus's eyes. James faltered. 

"Reggie, love, are you okay?" James asked, placing his hands on either side of Regulus's face gently. 

Regulus froze, he wiped his tears with the back of his palms, "I- It's sweat, pretend it's sweat now. Keep going." He insisted, grabbing James' hands and putting them on his hips. 

"No it's not. Regulus are you okay?" James asked again, "did I do something wrong?" 

"No! no you didn't." Regulus looked down, unable to bring himself to make eye contact. Just the thought made him nauseous. Not just the thought of sex with a girl, but sex in general. He found it hard to explain how he felt on that matter. every time he thought about it too much, he found himself on the verge of tears, not out of shame, or desire, but some subconscious impulse to feel pain. He didn't like to think about it, and sure as hell didn't want to talk about it wit anyone; even when he was with Barty, he couldn't bring it up. He tried his best to avoid the subject, but  here he was in front of James, who clearly expected something out of him, and he couldn't deny him that pleasure. As much as Regulus could feel his fight or flight begin to kick in, he couldn't leave James like this, "Its only sex, I just - keep going its okay." 

"No."

Regulus looked up confused, isn't this what he wanted? 

"I am not having sex with you if this isn't something you want. Don't fake it just to make me happy." 

Regulus almost let out a sob at that, he felt so very grateful for James at that moment. "I love you James." He pulled James close, leaning his head on his chest. 

"I know love"

"Go find your friends. I don't want them to worry any more than they already are." 

James nodded, "Here, you can borrow the cloak to get out of the common room, just follow me out." He grabbed the cloak, then gave regulus a kiss on the cheek before Regulus pulled the cloak over himself. "I love you Reggie," James whispered, then walked out the door, making sure to hold each door open as he walked though. When he left the portrait, he knew Regulus was gone. He headed to the great hall and saw his friends sitting next to the girls, talking and laughing. There was an empty space between Sirius and Lily that James took. 

"James? oh it's great to see you," Lily hugged him, "Are you alright?" She asked.

"I'm doing fine. I'm sorry for what I was like the past, um... How long has it been? I haven't really processed anything." James sighed. He piled food onto his plate. 

"Almost two months James." She said.

"Right... I don't want to get into it, I wasn't uhm - feeling well, but I'm alright now." 

"No he's bloody not. He barely left his bed or talked to any of us. He hasn't gone to class, barely ate food, it was fucking concerning." Sirius said to Lily, as if James wasn't right there.

"Sirius."

"He pisses me off sometimes," Sirius continued.

"Sirius I'm sorry. I can't control it. I - I need to talk to you about it, but not here in front of everyone." 

Sirius stood up and grabbed James's wrist, "Come on then." He pulled.

"But I'm eating." 

"Too bad." 

James reluctantly followed Sirius until they were out in the courtyard, far away from anyone that could eavesdrop.

"Okay, what the hell was that then James? Out of nowhere you just practically dropped off the face of the earth. You were there, but you weren't there."

"My therapist calls it a depressive episode -"

Sirius cut him off, "You're depressed? James how could you be depressed? you're always so -"

"Listen to me!" James exclaimed, then sighed. Sirius shut his mouth. "I have something called bipolar personality disorder. I guess it can cause mood swings among other things, and one of the symptoms is depressive episodes like that, they can last a few hours up to months, and they can vary. I've had some before, they've never lasted as long, and the longer ones I was lucky enough they happened at home and not at school. I tried to avoid telling you guys. I didn't want to worry you, but this last one was bad." James explained, "Mentally, I feel fine right now. I am not depressed, my life is actually really good right now."  

Sirius nodded, "I am not gong to lie, I don't really understand it, but I am here to support you" He pulled James in for a hug, which James took. 

"I'm so sorry I worried you Sirius." 

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Sorry I took longer than I wanted to to upload this chapter. Usually I do my editing in my government classes, but tuesday class was cancelled. I didn't edit this chapter during class today, but I did manage to write an entire timeline of the novel I have been procrastinating for months. I almost gave up bc it is a fantasy novel, and there were so many plotholes and aspects to the world I just had no motivation to fix or create, but I had a sudden burst of motivation finally and I think I'm actually ready to start writing it now. Writing this fanfiction was supposed to be a way to get my creativity flowing and practice my writing during my writer's block, because for some reason, this fanfiction just comes naturally to me, and it feels like more of an escape, or a break than actual work. I know every chapter I am saying the story is finally coming to an end, but I dont think it will be any time soon. I remember in the beginning thinking that this story would be 12 chapters max, and now I have written 62 chapters and have much more to go.