I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

20. Heather

They were back at Hogwarts sooner than anyone wanted. Winter break was always far too short. They had to go back to going to classes and doing homework, which James did, but never wanted to. He somehow managed to keep good grades in most of his classes throughout the years, but he was struggling with potions, and Slughorn finally decided to call him out on it.

"Mr. Potter, I hate to tell you this, but I simply cannot help you in potions more than I already do, I'm afraid you need outside help. Maybe I could set you up with a tutor?" Slughorn suggested.

James sighed, he knew he sucked, he didn't know why. Potions was supposed to be easy. He was a good student surprisingly enough, but he couldn't do potions for the life of him. James reluctantly agreed.

"I have a student in mind, He is one of my top students, If he can't help you, I don't know who can." Slughorn said. "How does Friday at 8pm work?" He asked.

James just nodded, and Slughorn dismissed him. Sirius and Remus were waiting outside the classroom for him.

"How did it go? I'm assuming he didn't ask you to stay after class because you're a potions prodigy? I mean you blew up his Felix felicis! How did you manage to do that?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know, I just touched the pot I swear!" James sighed, "He is setting me up with a tutor on Friday, so we'll see how it goes. As long as it's not snivellus I'll manage to survive I think."

James in fact did survive. He showed up to Slughorn's office ten minutes late to see a Slytherin alone in the classroom.

'Oh merlin of course it's a bloody Slytherin.' James mumbled under his breath before walking into the room.

He walked in and took a seat next to the Slytherin, recognizing his dark curls and utterly pissed off expression. "Of course it you Potter. I'm only here because Slughorn seemed utterly defeated from how terrible you are at potions." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Look, about the party-"

"Don't." Regulus interrupted.

"I just wanted to apologize. I should have left you alone. Every time, I shouldn't have tried to befriend you. I just want you to know it has nothing to do with Sirius. I find you intriguing. I don't want to talk to you because you're Sirius's brother, I want to talk to you simply because I want to." James said, "so... potions?"

Regulus ignored James and opened his textbook, getting straight into attempting to get James to understand, but he just didn't.

James kept getting distracted. He was trying, but that one strand of hair that curled over Regulus's forehead made him look so... James couldn't find a word, his hair looked so soft, his mouth so... what was James thinking? He had to be sleep deprived to be thinking these things. Of course Regulus was attractive but... James loved Lily, more than anything in the world.

𝄽

Regulus couldn't stand Potter. He said that often. He was the center of all of Regulus's problems. He was the reason Regulus was messed up. Regulus hated those stereotypes of how depressed people are portrayed. He wasn't alone. He had friends, he had a family, but that didn't change how he felt about himself, he tried to ignore it, push it down and distract himself with his friends, but he couldn't help but be reminded of that day every time he saw Potter.

Regulus couldn't remember being normal. He couldn't remember a day where he wasn't depressed, even before Hogwarts. He never had a reason to feel that way, he just did. An empty pit in his stomach telling him that he isn't enough, that in the end he will push away everything he loves. Sirius always helped him with those feelings. He would comfort Regulus in the dead of night where nobody in the manor would hear, and he kept Regulus from hurting himself.

Regulus thought he would have been fine. He loved Sirius, who was there for him and vice versa, but then Sirius left. He left, and that night, Regulus had a bad breakdown and relapsed. He sat in Sirius's stupid room and looked at his photos of stupid James Potter and the rest of them, and he decided that day that he hated them. How could he not? James potter was this perfect specimen apparently, had no problems in life. He stole Sirius, he was always happy. He was so... He was so bright. 

Regulus had gotten better at hiding his breakdowns, especially with years or experience hiding from his mother, but it got hard sometimes, es when every time he sees the face of those Gryffindor boys, he is reminded of the day his brother left him, broken and bloodied on the floor. Of course he didn't blame Sirius though. Even though he desperately wanted to, tried to convince himself that he did, but he knew deep down that Sirius had to leave.
It was Regulus's fault.

And so now sitting next to Potter, close enough to hear his breaths, it made Regulus want to tear himself apart until all the blood in his body was laying out on the floor, and he no long existed.

"Are you even paying attention, Potter?" Regulus scoffed. Potter just mindlessly nodded. "That's it, I'm calling it a day for now. Hopefully you're not as painfully bad at potions, so that next week won't be as atrocious." Regulus stood up.

"I love that you always use such big words." James smiled still in his half asleep state.

Regulus straightened his tie. "I think the word you meant to say is sophisticated. I use 'big words' because they are sophisticated. To use any other language would be asking to be disgraced like my imbecile broth-" Regulus paused. "Your stupid boyfriend." He mumbled quieter, losing the dumb act for a moment. In his moment of ego, he almost called Sirius his brother, and it hurt immensely. He remembered that night at the party. The constellation belonging to Sirius staring at him gloatingly. Then of course potter had to show up to make everything worse.

Regulus tugged his sleeve further down, which was starting to become a habit now, and wordlessly, he left the potions classroom.

"Reg wait!" Potter chased after him, but Regulus did not falter. Not until potter grabbed him by the arm. That arm. Regulus flinched.

Potter let go.

"What do you want." Regulus rubbed his arm. He could still feel the mark. Every line of it on his forearm, stuck there forever against his wishes. It still stung.

"Thank you for helping me, and for not trying to fight me this time." But oh how Regulus desperately wanted to.

"Leave me alone." Regulus was holding back every urge he had. He wanted to scream, fight. He wanted to cry, he wanted to curl into a ball and hide from society forever and disappear.

Sometimes Regulus wished he could be James Potter. Maybe people would actually like him. Sirius would love him, the whole school would love him. James potter was the attractive boy of the school, everyone was irrevocably in love with him, while not even Regulus's own brother could give him a passing glance.