I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

43. Stick Season

James felt himself getting restless. He always kept himself moving, doing something with his hands to occupy his mind. He started gardening again, growing flowers in the yard. If he wasn't doing that, he was practicing for quidditch with Sirius. If he wasn't doing that, he was practicing spells, writing letters to Lily, or other friends, at some point he even attempted reading an actual novel, but couldn't bring himself to sit in silence for long enough. He has been pacing around his house for the past hour when his mother called his name. He went to the kitchen where she had a letter for him. It was from Lily.

He practically tore it open. She was asking him on a date in muggle London. Admittedly, he had never been there. He had barely spent any time around real muggles at all, but he scrambled for a quill and parchment to write her back saying of course he would go, because why wouldn't he?

He met her at the Leaky Cauldron. Another place he had never been to, but he knew it led to Diagon Alley.

When she walked through the door, all his thoughts seemed to disappear, and he was completely at ease. Her orange hair glowed like the sun as she approached James.

They ended up having a great time, wandering the streets of muggle London. James felt like a madman sometimes, not knowing certain things that Lily treated like common sense, often leaving the two in laughing fits. It seemed like the two of them were finally back to normal, and when he went home, he was happy, and unbothered by the thoughts that had been floating through his head all summer so far. When he got home, he was practically tackled by Sirius. 

"James! Guess what!?" James looked up to see Remus holding up letters from Hogwarts, one for all four boys, and two extras. James wondered who the second was for? The first one was obviously for Remus, being a prefect, or even Head boy this year, he was definitely deserving of that title after all his hard work. 

But Remus held two letters out to James. One was his list of required items, and the other...

James was appointed as head boy. He couldn't believe it. He had never even been a prefect before? What made him deserve the title of head boy? The four boys were ecstatic for Remus and James.

"So when do you boys want to go to Diagon Alley?" Effie asked, leaning in the doorway. 

"Could we go right now? Get it all over with while we have peter here?" James asked. 

"Of course, c'mon boys, we'll take the Flu."  She beckoned and eventually the group found themselves in the familiar crowd of Diagon Alley, finding all the items they would need for the following school year. They ran all around, visiting Flourish and Blotts for their textbooks, and other stores for other items on their list. They ran back and forth buying new robes, potion ingredients, cauldrons, and whatever else they felt like spending their money on. Effie tried her best to keep up with their pace, but gave up halfway through, stopping to get some tea while the boys ran around. They ran into Marlene and Dorcas at some point, disrupting what looked like a date. Eventually, they left the girls alone and finished up their shopping.

James, who was now captain of the Quidditch team got the newest broom, and bought one for Sirius as well. The trip was fairly quick, and they got everything they needed. When they got home, James had yet another letter waiting for him. This really was a day of letters, wasn't it?

It was addressed from Lily, which James thought was strange, but he sat down on the sofa and opened it. 

"James, 

I had fun on our date, on all of our dates. I truly did, and I don't want you to misunderstand me in this letter. 

This has been hard to admit, even to myself, but as your... Friend? (Hopefully after all of this) I need to come clean about everything that has been troubling me. I am a lesbian, I think that's the most important part of all of this. That means I am only romantically, and sexually attracted to women. I've never really been interested in men, and I think that is why I was so hesitant to date you for all these years while you spilled your heart out to me. Of course I didn't know that fact until recently, and I think for a while I confused the difference between platonic and romantic love. You love me so much and so clearly, and  I desperately wish I could reciprocate that for you, because you truly do deserve that, but I can't be the one to give you that. Growing up, I have been taught that loving another woman was the worst sin I could commit, and the way I felt about women felt so wrong, so for years, I ignored it, and I thought the best feeling I could get from a man - the way you made me feel - was love. You did make me feel loved, and I do love you, but not in the same way a normal girl would love you, and you deserve a girl who will love you the same way you love her.