I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

40. Crying over It All

James didn't know how to feel - did he ever? he couldn't even Process Regulus's words before he was out the door, and James was so frozen, he couldn't even chase after him until it was too late. He trudged back to the common room to see the party still going hard, but he was tired. He headed up to his dorm and passed out the second his head hit the pillow. That sleep didn't last long though. The whole night he was in and out of sleep, waking up in a cold sweat every time. 

𝄽

Too soon, it was time to board the Hogwarts express to take all the students home. It was always a melodramatic day, sitting in the train cart with his three best friends, eating snacks and playing mindless pranks on people in other cars. James almost wanted to sneak away from his friends to find Regulus, but he knew he shouldn't. Regulus clearly needed space, and James needed to give it to him. 

After the train stopped at platform 9 and 3 quarters, James went off to find Lily, and some others to say goodbye to. He found Frank, a 7th year he sadly didn't talk to often enough. He was going off to become an Auror with his girlfriend, Alice. "I'll miss seeing you around." James said. Frank tried to put his hand out to shake, but James upped him into a hug, "Go be the best Auror the ministry has ever had." He smiled and went off to find others. 

He said his goodbyes and made his way to his friends and parents. They said goodbyes to Peter and headed off. James's parents agreed to let Remus stay over until after the next full moon, which wasn't far away. Remus's father couldn't stand Remus being a werewolf, and refused to accommodate for it, so the Potters offered to make a safehouse for him to stay in on the full moons. 

𝄽

Regulus dreaded going home. He said his goodbyes to his friends inside the train, out of sight from others, then he composed himself, ready to throw away his humanity for the summer. He walked off of the train alone to see only Kreacher waiting for him as usual, of course his family never cared about picking him up themselves. Kreacher apparated them to Grimmauld place, and Regulus found himself yet again face to face with the dark lord, talking to his mother. 

"Ah, Mr. Black, I was wondering when you would arrive." Voldemort said. an off putting grin plastered on his face. He escorted Regulus to the dining room where he was having a meeting with some of his most trusted death eaters. Regulus took a deep breath and prepared himself for a long night. 

They largely just went over how to terrorize muggles, and the ministry. Regulus tuned most of it out until he heard the name Bartemius Crouch. Barty's father. He was a prominent figure that Voldemort either wanted on his side, or dead, and if they killed Crouch Sr., Barty was likely next. The death eaters would not leave any witnesses, unless they wanted to join the cause. Regulus would rather die than see Barty become a death eater. 

When all the death eaters left his house, it left Regulus exhausted, but he couldn't risk relaxing. Voldemort stayed behind when everyone filed out of the room. "Mr. Black, may I speak with you for a moment?" He sounded far too formal, it was suspicious, but Regulus nodded and approached the dark lord. 

"My lord." He said, 

"I have heard talk from some of my followers that you got their children kicked out of Hogwarts?" He asked

Regulus nodded, "Yes my lord, that's true." 

"Why, may I ask?" 

Regulus hesitated, what if Voldemort wasn't happy with his answer? "Avery and Mulciber were harassing my friends, he had my friend-" He hesitated, "Barty. He had Bartemius Crouch Jr. hospitalized."

"You have befriended the enemies child?" Regulus flinched, "That was smart of you, you should have told me sooner. It is much easier to keep an eye on Crouch if you are friends with his child, maybe we could even recruit him once he is of age" He nods approvingly.

"I think he would appreciate that My lord." Regulus nodded.

"I will be in touch." he said before dissaparating. 

Regulus shivered and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, but it didn't last long, because he still had to deal with his mother's favourite yearly ritual. Usually he was good at forgetting things over the summer, pushing it all to the back of his mind only to reemerge the next year, but things like that were always easy to ignore. The actions he took were harder to ignore. He brought all the important thoughts to the front of his head. His O.W.L scores, his Slytherin friends, fake conversations they have had in 'support' of Voldemort. His quidditch games, and anything else his mother would approve of. 

"Regulus, dear, you know what we have to do" His mother said when he re-entered the kitchen where she stood, ordering Kreacher to cook supper.

"Yes mother." he stood in front of her and let her dig into his mind. It hurt, having someone invade your most private thoughts, peering at all his secrets. He fought back though, built a wall in his head, blocking away all his moments with James, his friendship with Remus. He let her see his arguments with Sirius, him throwing insults at his brother like it was nothing, but he hid what he felt about those fights. Right as he thought she was close to seeing it all, she pulled away, satisfied by what she found. 

"You have done well this year." She said, and left him alone in the kitchen. He went up to his room and broke down in tears, silent as always. as he layed there, he wanted to think about James, what he was doing, he desperately wanted to; but he couldn't allow himself to. Not even once.

𝄽

Mostly filler and some Reggie content. 

I've been bothered by a lot of stuff, and have had nobody to talk to it about, since all my other friends have problems, or just simply don't care. I went to eat lunch with one of my friends, who I don't usually get to see at lunch bc we dont have the same lunch period, mid sentence she went "can you like- tell me some other time. I think you should go sit with (other friend of mine)"  then earlier I asked if she was free to talk bc something has been bothering me and she left me on read. And me and her have had fights over her being dismissive before and she said she wpuldnt but no matter how many times I call her out on it, it always seems like she wants to talk to me when its convinient for her. she wants to be close to me when her bf is distant, she wants to be close to me so that I can invite her to prom (shes a junior) and idk ive had enough but I rlly care about her. 

Anyway, I don't like getting super personal like this and I might go back and delete this note later, but I just need to vent and maybe some stranger online could help me. 

So, im trans. I've known I was trans for years, but i've just been going by a dumb name I chose years ago, and everyone at school calls me that. Theres also a second, more masculine name a few people call me but it just doesnt fit, but for some reason I have felt like I cant change it or ill be like *those* ppl who just change their name and pronouns every week to be trendy. And there have been names in the past and even now that I like but ive refrained from using them bc either theyre names of people I know, or characters I know and I dont want people to think that im weird n shit (bc tiktok and the fucking internet have ruined the reputations of trans people so fucking much) Anyway ive been wanting for literal years to just find a name that suits me and idk why that's been so god damn hard. So idk 

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, sorry for the 'cliffhanger' last chapter