I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

74. Nunemaker's Parable

Regulus dreamt of drowning again. Of being in the lake of water in the middle of a dark cave being pulled underwater by gripping hands, unable to swim to safety.

He screamed for Remus to save him, but either his screams were inaudible above the water, or Remus simply didn't care, or notice. Remus turned his back and left the cave without a glance behind him. 

Regulus woke up with a gasp and began choking on air with how desperately he felt he needed it. The sound of his coughs woke up James next to him.

"Reggie! Are you okay?" He scrambled to grab his glasses and comfort his boyfriend.

Regulus took a few deep breaths, calming himself down. It was a Recurring nightmare of his, something he likely would never escape, but being with James helped him. Having someone in the same bed soothed him. How would he survive an entire term of Hogwarts? 

"I'm fine now." Regulus sighed and leaned against James's chest.

James rubbed his hands up and down Regulus's arm, comforting him. "I'm here. You're safe." He whispered.

Regulus and James both had their moments, and their breakdowns, but they both knew the other was there for them even in the worst of moments, when James is delirious and sobbing, or completely shutting everything out, Regulus was there for him.

𝄽

Sirius was still gone. Nobody knew where he had gone, not even Remus. James ended up banging on Remus's door, which was answered by his mother, who looked terrified to see a wizard at the door even though they had met a few times. When James questioned him, Remus knew nothing. And now things were getting worrying. 

Him and Regulus went door to door of everyone they knew, and they knew nothing, but at least they had more people to help search. 

𝄽

"You're just like us deep down inside Sirius, admit it" The mocking voice of his cousin rang through his head relentlessly, and nothing managed to drown it out. After the fight he meant to just go on a walk to clear his head. He was going to go back home and pretend like nothing happened like everyone else, but he couldn't stop hearing the things Bella told him. And the thing was - she wasn't wrong.

Sirius ended up wandering to Alphard's - or now his - flat in London, which had been untouched for months, covered in a layer of dust. Sirius really should clean this place up, and maybe actually move in. As much as he loved James and his parents, he couldn't keep leaching off of them like he had for years. Maybe it would be good for him to be alone. But god was it just so... Lonely. Maybe Sirius deserved it, deserved to feel this way after everything he had done. He hurt everyone he loved. One day he was going to end up getting someone killed, and it would all be his fault. He deserved to be alone, and to suffer from it. 

Hours later, it was Lily who ended up finding Sirius curled up in the corner of the flat, hidden behind dusty furniture.

"Sirius? There you are. We have been worried sick. Are you alright?" Lily asked, taking a seat next to Sirius against the wall.

"Just leave me. I'm only going to hurt you. Just like everyone else." Sirius muttered, his head tucked under his arms.

Lily placed a hand on Sirius's arm, squeezing it, "You know that's not true. What happened?" She asked.

Sirius sat up and leaned against the wall, his face red and stained with tears. "I'm just like my family. I've tried so hard to prove them wrong, but nothing has changed."

"Oh sweetheart." Lily hugged him, holding his face, "You couldn't be more wrong. Don't you remember those nights at Hogwarts? You and I would stay up all night complaining about our families. You cried over how you missed your brother, all the things you've done wrong. How much you hate your mother and your cousins. That proves something Sirius,  do you think Bellatrix feels any remorse for the things she does? No, of course not. But you do. It's not about what you've done, it's about what you're willing to do to fix it." She said.

Sirius nodded, though he said nothing. After a stretch of silence, he sniffed and cleared his throat. "I never do anything right. It's just mess up after mess up and I don't even apologize well enough. Remus still doesn't trust me after the prank and it's been years. And then the thing on the mission happened. I don't know why I said that."

"And that's okay. Things aren't going to fix themselves overnight." Lily said, "If I go to the Potter's house, will you come with me?" She asked, and Sirius hesitantly nodded.

"I love you lily." He sniffed.

"Me too Sirius. Let's go." She stood up and offered her hand. Once he took it, she apparated them to the Potter's house.

𝄽

"He's gone." James sobbed. His mind felt like mush. He was regressing into a breakdown, and he didn't know what to do. Nobody knew where Sirius could be. He tried everywhere he thought Sirius would go. He wasn't with Remus, or Peter, or Lily. Not even Marlene, or Pandora.

The others were still out searching, buy James couldn't remember how long he had been locked in his room, crying into Regulus's lap.

"He'll come home." Regulus said, rubbing circles on James's back.

"What if the death eaters have him? I would never forgive myself: James cried. "He's like my brother. I can't lose him."

"I know, love. But he's strong. We would know if they had him." He pressed a kiss to James's hair.

A knock came on James's door, and he was half tempted to yell "Go away!" But his tears kept him silenced.

"James. I found him." Lily's voice came from the other side, and James was out the door before she could even finish the sentence.

"What the fuck!" James yelled, but enveloped his best friend into a bear hug. Sirius had clearly been crying as well. James felt horrible. Where was he? Why couldn't James had been there for him? "Where were you?" His voice broke.

"I went to Alphard's."

James looked at him with a face full of anger and disbelief.

"We were so worried about you. I was so worried about you. I thought something happened to you, you were just gone. And the entire time you were just fine? Lounging around your empty flat?" Regulus walked up and slapped Sirius in the face, the anger bubbling up in him. "James was just breaking down in my arms because he thought you were gone."

Sirius couldn't make eye contact with them, "I'm sorry." That was all he muttered before running to his bedroom.

Lily placed a hand on Regulus's shoulder, "Be patient with him, okay? I'll go try to calm him down." She said before following after Sirius.

𝄽

They finally found Sirius!

So how do we feel after that? I feel really evil (It's gonna get worse)

Summer went by way too fast. My little brother goes to school next tuesday I think, then the week after that, my older brother is moving away for Uni. I was going to go with him, but I got no scholarships or financial aid, so I'm doing community college for now, and I might try again next year. Meanwhile my brother got a pell grant, and with everything added up, his tuition costs are -500 dollars, so the school has to pay HIM to go. (since the scholarship covers other costs like housing and books) but omg, meanwhile I got literally nothing, and my tuition at community college costs more than his. Luckily the deadline for paying has been pushed back for me. It is next week for most students, but some benefits I get push the deadline back a few months. 

Anyway I'm also kind of glad the summer is over because I really need something to motivate me, and get me out of bed in the mornings, because it keeps me out of art/writing block, which gets so bad in the summers. I'd say ive kept on a somewhat consistent schedule though, and I havent completely given into the bed rotting.