I Will Follow You Into The Dark || Jegulus

28. beggin'

It was another full moon. They have progressively been getting worse every time, and Sirius refused to think it might have something to do with Remus's mental health.

Remus was sitting in the library, as he often did now to avoid Sirius. It hurt to not see him, but it hurt more to know his love would never be reciprocated. Summer seemed like it was quickly approaching, James's birthday was coming up quick, and Remus had so much coursework to stress about.

"Remus." Remus jumped, then noticed Sirius standing behind him.

"What's up?" He asked, trying not to admire Sirius's features as the setting sun out of a window shined on his face, illuminating his dark eyes and pale face. He was beautiful, just like the stars. Remus didn't even deserve to admire him the way he did. 

"I... I know I already apologized, but I feel like I need to again. I talked to Lily about it, and I'm not gay. I've always liked girls, and I don't see how that could change. I - I really care about you, and you deserve someone to love you and comfort you and remind you how beautiful you are." Sirius took a deep breath. Remus almost laughed.

"Are you sure?" Remus whispered, almost too quiet, leaning dangerously close to Sirius.

"No," Sirius sighed, not backing away, "I can't decipher my thoughts." He closed his eyes.

"What if I- would it help if I kissed you?" Remus requested. Oh god, what was he getting himself into. Getting rejected would kill him. And it was a full moon. 

"I don't want things to change between us, Remus. I love you, and I cherish our friendship." Sirius said.

"Nothing will ever change between us, Sirius. I love you now and forever." Remus's heart was pounding in his ears. "Please, Sirius, I don't think I can handle another rejection. At least try." Remus begged. He knew it wasn't fair. He was pushing Sirius's boundaries, but Sirius complied, and before he knew it, Remus was leaning into Sirius, pushing their lips together.

It was better than Remus could ever imagine, but it was gone too soon. Sirius pulled away, a look of shock on his face, then leaned back in and kissed Remus back. Remus would have fallen if Sirius's hands weren't on his hips, stabilizing him. But as soon as Remus could process that it was really happening, Sirius was gone, and the sun was setting.

Remus held back tears as he headed to the common room, hoping to find his three friends as always, but the only one there was James this time.

"Where's Sirius and Peter?" Remus's voice cracked. He ruined everything. He always does.

"Peter has been MIA. I thought Sirius was with you, did something happen?" Remus almost cried as he nodded. James's expression fell.

"I kissed him. I ruined everything James, I ruined it." James pulled him into a hug.

"It's alright I have you. I love you Remus, you will never ever lose me."

Remus cried into James's shoulder. "I love him so much and he's gone. It was better pining over him than this."

"I know. We'll fix it Tomorrow, maybe he will still show up, we have to go to the shack" James said, Remus nodded and they headed out.

It was the worst full moon ever. Worse than first year when Remus was left alone to tear himself apart. Moony cried and fought Prongs, who tried his best to hold Moony down. They were barely able to make it to the shack without Wormtail. Remus got whacked by tree branches trying to find the knot, and it was almost too late by the time both him and James got in the tunnel. James had to sprint past a crying Remus into the shack to transform in time as a werewolf flew at him, and the whole night Prongs was trying to fight Moony as he tore himself apart. Prongs didn't know what to do once moony started attacking himself, scratching at his face and chest, and as he started bleeding profusely, Prongs tried desperately to hold his arms back using his antlers to no avail. The night was a wreck.

Padfoot never showed up.

Wormtail never showed up.

In the morning, James had to drag Remus to the hospital wing. He looked worse than he ever had before. James had to go back to the dorm and cried himself to sleep. When he woke up he immediately sprinted to the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey tried and failed to kick James out multiple times, telling him to go to class, but he refused to leave his friends side until he woke up.

James remembered his first year at Hogwarts, practically boucing off the walls from anxiety. Everyone thought he was just like Sirius, hyper, lighthearted, but it wasn't excitement he was vibrating with, it was almost fear. Fear of the unexpected, and nobody knew that. Nobody but Remus, who saw right through him the moment they met. On the train, he introduced himself, then offered James a chocolate bar and a hug, and that was all the reassurance he needed. James got more than a best friend in that moment, he got a soulmate, he knew he would love Remus for the rest of his life then. James may be closest with Sirius, but Remus was dependable, no matter what. 

Remus was out most of the day, and when he was awake, he was high on painkillers, and for a good reason too, the poor boy was ripped apart, covered in bandages front head to toe, one particularly bad cut went directly over his left eye.

Around halfway through the day, Sirius decided to show his face.

"What the hell were you thinking?" James jumped up the second he saw him.

"I'm sorry James I really am. I don't want to make excuses and I really meant to be there last night, even after everything but-"

James punched the bedside table. "But what? You need to figure things out because I am not going to see Remus hurt himself like this again while you and Peter are off doing merlin knows what!" James said, unable to control his temper.

"James-" Sirius tries, but James interrupts again.

"You don't understand how hard it is for me to see you two like this, and then you decide to ditch us on the full moon!"

"James!" Sirius yelled, finally getting his attention.

"What"

"My mother was here last night."

"Oh..." James stumbled out of the chair he had been sitting in all day, and ran to hug Sirius. "I'm sorry."

"She was lecturing Regulus about his friend choices, something about them being queer, and then she saw me and decided to use me as an example." Sirius sighed, then approached Remus. He ran a hand through his hair, then down his scarred face.

"I- maybe she's right." He laughed. "Of course she's fucking right, isn't she always?" James looked at him confused. What was she right about?

"She always thought I would end up queer, and of course she brings me up again minutes after I got finished snogging my friend." He laughed almost manically. "I shouldn't have ran."

"He really loves you." James said.

"I know."

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God theyre all fucked arent they? 

I wish I could write something heart wrenching like crimson rivers. The fact that Regulus kissed James hurt me, and I want to inflict that emotion through writing, the fact that something that should have been amazing for him made him cry and know that hed probably never be happy again. Bro i am not ready, theyre already out of the games and i'm not even halfway through its literally gonna break me. Anyway if yall need a fic rec

Crimson rivers
or art heist baby oh my goddddddd