thorns and other maladies

19

he told me what books he liked
so i tried to read them all
even though they were as long as bibles
and took months to read
he told me what books he liked
so i printed the quotes on to t-shirts for him
i bought him all the paperbacks he wanted
just for him to buy the hardcover
and make me return them
he didn't like the music i listened to
so i listened to his instead
i learned all the words to his favorite songs
and forgot the words to mine
he never liked my posture
so i learned to sit up straight for him
to make my back as rigid as it could be
i learned to sit like a sky scraper
and somehow not tip over
then he said my body was too stiff
that he couldn't do me properly
so i broke my spine in six pieces
and learned how to arch for him
let him shove me down into the bed
even if it suffocated me
even if it hurt
and when he left me
i still tried to read his favorite books
i still listened to his favorite songs
i still sat up ramrod straight
waiting to break on command
when he left me
i echoed all his lines
told everyone how i never cared
or tried hard enough
i reworded and rephrased
rearranged all the grammar
but they were still his sentences
his paragraphs
his justifications
and when those ran out
i realized i had nothing to say
had nothing to be
if it wasn't his

—that was what love looked like to me