thorns and other maladies

34

I want an apology from the world
for ruining me
because of everything i didn't choose to be
I want an apology from god
for making me everything
that the world ruins
I want an apology from my father
for beating the strength out of my spine
and then i don't want to forgive him
I want an apology from my mother
for letting him beat the strength out of my spine
and then i want to forgive her
I want an apology from my ex boyfriend
for discarding me like litter
just to find a brand new shiny thing
I want an apology from my rapist
for tearing me open
and ripping out my youth
I want an apology from my high school classmates
who ridiculed me
until i just stopped talking
I want an apology from my teachers
one from every one that told me
that i was just not smart enough
I want an apology from my college dorm roommates
for keeping up the Christmas lights
that gave me panic attacks and nightmares
—all I want is a fucking apology.
is that really so hard
am i really so unworthy of the effort
or was hurting me just worth it
did i somehow deserve it
for daring to exist in the wrong way
am i really so inhuman
that i deserve something less
that i barely get an existence at all

— apologize