the last time we broke up
was at seven in the morning
right before my first class
it fucked up my whole day
and i wondered why i do this to myself
why i can't just let you go
why i keep dragging us back into this mess
perhaps i am too in love with you
perhaps i am too much like my mother
perhaps i am cursed
to love and love and love
all the wrong things
in all the wrong ways
perhaps my destiny is to be this
abused broken distraught
thing
to always have to say that
i love you
but i don't know how to do it right
how to not be too much
how to hold you and not weep
how to stop fearing everything you do
and say and think
how to stop panicking for hours at a time
how to get over things
how to apologize
how to stop apologizing
how to stop turning back into
eight year old me
who cried and cried
and screamed and begged
for someone
anyone
to make it stop hurting
to stop hurting me
please stop hurting me
please-
darling i ache for you
but perhaps that is all i can do
perhaps that is the only way i can love you
without ruining it
without ruining you
i know all this
i know all this
and yet.
yet i still crawl back to you
yet i let myself destroy you
and every tender thing we ever were
i crawl back to you
and shatter every sweet soft feeling
that you ever had for me
and with that
everything else disappears
the softness
the kindness
the desire
the love
and finally:
you
YOU ARE READING
thorns and other maladies
Poetryanother collection of poems. *TW: mentions of sexual assault, drug use, self harm and other sensitive topics*
