thorns and other maladies

48

desperation is a familiar feeling
—like an old friend that you only see
when you relapse
and go back to rehab
or your parole officer
who always seems both
happy and sad to see you—
we're comfortable with each other
we understand each other
perhaps too well though
because desperation is a little too convincing
they swish away my lines
like the tide toppling sand castles
and tell me they just had to do it
that there was no other options
and i believe them every time
because desperation loves love
desperation is willing to sacrifice for love
desperation is willing to sacrifice everything
all in the name of love
and in this
desperation and i aren't so different
we are two lovesick peas in a pod
woven threads intertwined
desperation understands me like no other
until i'm sitting in my bathroom
sending heartbroken voicemails at 3 am
and wondering how i got here
i always say that i never beg
but desperation makes me do it
they force me down on my knees
and have me plead for love
like a dog cowering before its master
like an addict begging for a hit
and each time i'm left sick after
i remember why we don't talk anymore
how they send me on benders
and bleed me dry
how much desperation loves company
but like an old friend from rehab
i can't really let go of them
their misery is too familiar
their pain is too comforting
desperation understands me like no other
so i will walk away
but i will leave a trail of breadcrumbs
and hope they don't follow it
waiting for the day
they come rushing back
and the cycle starts again

—desperation is an old friend