thorns and other maladies

35

I swear up and down that I don't love you anymore
but then I see a picture of you with her
and the only thing I can think is
I hate you I hate you I hate you
over and over again
like the wound is still fresh.
and maybe I don't love you anymore.
but the fact that you love her
and you look so happy
makes me sick to my stomach.
the fact that it's been a year
and you still want her
makes me sick to my stomach.
the fact that I'm still skittering around
trying to avoid you and your friends
and you're probably laughing about it
makes me sick to my stomach.
no no I don't love you anymore.
but I did once.
I loved you so much
and I still can't get over it.
I loved you so much
and I mean nothing to you now
and I still can't get over it.
I loved you so much
and you used me to get what you wanted
and I hate you for it.
maturing is moving on
maturing is forgiving
maturing is giving up on hating you
but I can't I can't I can't
and I'm so afraid
that I'll never be able to let it go
that I'll always be stuck in this
pathetic little grudge
and you will win.
like you always do.

—I can't stop hating you