thorns and other maladies

29

i think my TV is spying on me.
because every time I turn it on
it's conveniently playing that one stupid ad
the one about medication for depression
where the girl wears a plastic mask
with a sharpied smile on the front.
or maybe it's not my TV that's spying on me.
maybe it's google.
because every time I search anything
there's always a sponsored ad
for those online therapy services
with the smiling patient on the front.
or maybe i've spied on myself.
maybe i've offered them all this data
on a silver platter
by spending way too much time
searching my symptoms on the internet
instead of actually admitting that i have them
and ever getting help for them.
maybe i should be more honest with myself.
maybe it's time to admit
that i don't know if my relationship is healthy
or if i've just fooled myself again
that i have no idea what love even looks like
if i'm not agonizing over it
and that i have no idea if i am even capable
of determining love when i see it.
maybe i should admit that i am not happy.
even though i really thought i was.
that suddenly i can't sleep in my own room
and i have begun to fear being alone again
or that sometimes i feel disconnected
even though we're talking and i'm laughing
and i'm smiling the biggest smile you've ever seen.
maybe it's time i just say
that i am so terrified of being that stupid girl
with the stupid plastic mask
with the stupid sharpied smile
even though that is exactly what i have become.
maybe maybe maybe maybe
except we both know i won't.
instead i will smile and joke
that my TV is spying on me
and we will laugh at the elephant in the room
the elephant sitting on my chest
the stupid fucking elephant that only i can see
and you will just think i am funny.
and i will just pretend that i'm over it.
and the whole world will just keep turning
and turning and turning and turning
without me.