The MakeUp Artist Internship

Glad To Have The Job I Do

I took the diary into work.   It was getting really good.   Paul must have noticed.  

"Good Lord, do you sleep anymore?"  He asked.  I giggled.
"Just reading a really good book."
"Ah.   How about you get some sleep tonight?"

I read about the graduation party.   I guess mom was supposed to keep me in her room and be sociable.  It was reiterated, "Your baby, it's NOT to overshadow this graduation.   You were due AFTER the graduation and climbing up those stairs at Lathrop did you no favors."   My heart hurt for mom, too. I guess Grandma Norma watched me so my mom could talk to others andx SHE showed off the baby.  In a weird way, Grandma Norma was my mom's biggest ally.  Mom is always talking about how she is lucky to still have her around. Also she went out that night, a week later. "I only stayed out for a bit, saw friends and went back home. I am wearing a huge period pad, my boobs are leaking, and I still look pregnant. I saw myself in the mirror. I look hideous.   No wonder all of my friends are getting hit on and Johnny is living the good life. I went to my house after 45 minutes and cried and cried and cried. Mom said I might find some idiot to take me on. "Your whorish ways make a lot of men stay away but maybe you can find a nice guy who will love you and Jade. He won't be good looking or smart.' Mom really knows how to make a gal feel good. She also told me I needed to "get it together" when I was crying on the floor. I hate my life. If it wasn't for this beauty Johnny and I created, I would die."

A lot was going on then. My mom trying to raise me, make enough money, and find a daddy for me and husband for her. She had dares, but none of them compared to Johnny and she ended up coming home and crying. I guess a roommate became concerned. She lived in Aberdeen Hills and there was a party and I guess a guy she liked didn't like her back and basically said, "You're a nice girl, but I just am not into you. You are kind of a fat slob." "He worked at a bank and was daily handsome. He mentioned that I had a kid out of wedlock and he was 'moral'. He said, 'Sorry 'bout your luck. You just aren't attractive to me. When the party was over, I sort of lost it. I went back to my messy room and held Jade. Then I see him with Kate, who he deserves as she is beautiful and it is solidified I am an unattractive loser. I guess Stacey heard me crying and she wants me to 'get counseling'. Sarah is pretty and doesn't understand that women like me take forever to find lovers. I think Johnny just pitied me." Moments like this make me want to hug my mom. She is and was so beautiful.

I took a few calls. Then I grabbed the 1995 one. We had moved to a new house, a ranch house in a swanky older neighborhood. I guess mom found a cute boyfriend but he had a kink to him. "I am daring a volleyballer. He is so cute! He came to the salon and he asked me out. I am in heaven. I went to my first real college girl party. Well, one where I don't have a boyfriend standing over me watching my every move. Tonight, I had a threesome with Robert. It was me and s some girl. It was awkward. I don't think Robert and I will last though." She was right. They did not. During the summer of 1995, I felt bad for my mom. She went in dates on her "on the town nights", hoping to find some man who really would adore her. She tried that summer, "a nice, Catholic boy." "He is so nice and good with Jade, but there is something about Jade that bothers him. 'It's the eyes.' I guess I let it slip at a baseball game that I liked him and wanted him to be Jade's dad.   He told me in the parking lot at Burger King that I was 'a great person', but Jade bothered him.  'I mean she is just a year and you are looking for a daddy?  Sorry.  Wrong person.'"This was life for her. Then the money runs out and she has to move home. I just want to ask her why, but also I want to hug her. She missed Johnny. I took psychology in college and that was what was going on.  

"Sarah had a few friends over and we watched Gilbert Grape. I thought I would be okay, but ended by bawling my eyes out. I miss him, but he deserves someone like Kate. I have to be lonely. I have gained so much weight, Johnny would pass me up if he saw me. Well I ended up in the bathroom bawling as I held Jade. She looked so confused. She was still a baby, a cute fat girl who looked like Johnny. I just want the crying to end...."

I was really getting into the diaries, finding out about mom. I decided to go to her house and pick up 1996 journals. She was home. I walked in the house. It was quiet. She was asleep, I put 1994 away and grabbed 1996. I wanted to know the sale days of mom's and Rob's relationship.  I put it in the bag, went to her room and whispered her name.

    "Hey," she said.
"Ready for this weekend?"
"As much as I can be."
"Mom, I love you." I wanted to cry.
"I love you, too. Always. You were my firstborn, my love of a lifetime."
"Awww..."
"Do you want to get some dinner. I was just tired from a long day. Squeezing in my weekend people so we can go and Johnny and I talked a lot last night."
"Do you talk every day?"
"Yes."
"You really love him."
"Yes, and he has admitted he has loved me, even when he was with the most beautiful women in the world. Please, it will come out, but don't talk about this to Hannah. I love her just as much as I love you."

    We ate at a local diner she likes. It's kind of forties, retroey, and all of the old timers who ordered Manhattans and drinks from days of yore ate there. If she could, I think she would have taken Johnny. We made small talk about the weekend and it was going to be a great one. Lily and I were going to hang out. I went home and curled up with 1996 and learned more about my mom....