The Agreement •MXM• (Book 1)

Forgiveness isn't an option nor is it a right

Cyrus

We drive around for a while and I stare at the man beside me as he does that. I can't help but glance at the fingers that pulled and grabbed feverishly at my flesh like he wanted to touch everywhere at the same time. Or the lips that stirred something strange in stomach,by strange I mean I liked it alot,I liked being able to grip his hair and make it messy and he seems happy about it even. Sporting it like a trophy of some sort. He made it quite clear that was a desire,something he wanted to do for a long time,I remember that grovelling voice that whispered those words so sweet,"Yes,yes I am."with a cocky smile. Is this what it feels like to be desired? To be wanted and badly at that... I steal another glance towards him and I blush and hide inside the coat he gave me to keep me warm,my heart fluttering.
"Just give me a moment Button- I have to find somewhere to park..."he bites his lips and stirs the yearn to kiss him again,
"It's fine,I don't mind waiting."
"You hungry? Want me to get you something to eat?"the concern makes me smile at him,
"Nope- I have a personal chef at home for me and my son."he chuckles at this and finally finds somewhere to park,
"Good to know."he says simply and calls Mr Brown back reaching his hand out to me and gesturing for me to hold it,I do,and our fingers interlock. These are definitely butterflies in my stomach. I hear the phone rings three times before it gets picked up,"Aaron speaking-"he says in a rehearsed manner,
"Aaron! Oh my goodness I couldn't reach you and I thought-"a woman's voice exclaims and I realise that it's Kate,and she sounds distressed,
"Woah,slow down. What's going on? Why are you answering his phone?"
"He- Mr Brown had a heart attack."

________________

Aaron drives so fast that I can't even remember the way to the hospital. Or my brain is just too fumbled up,Kate said that he started having trouble breathing and while he was lying on the floor he called for me. After all this time he called for me... why?
Everything is moving in a blurred haze,nothing makes sense and I'm operating on autopilot. We get out and stride into the waiting room,Aaron does the talking and I stand there wrapped in his huge coat,still damp from being rained on. Heck,just a moment ago I felt warm,I felt comfort. Then it was stripped away from me by a single phone call. Just like when this all started,a phone call and a couple words to change everything.
He takes me hand and leads me to the ward,not bothering to ask why I'm so out of it. I thank him for that,I don't think I can explain what's going on in my head to anyone right now. All the moments from my childhood where his absence affected me are replaying like a slide show. The names I was called. The things that were said and done. The feeling of shame that should've never been mine to bare in the first place. The like again there's a little evil man in my head controlling what I'm thinking about. I hate that little man,even though I know he's not there.
We walk in and find a dishevelled Kate on the side of the bed that holds Mr Brown. His skin pale and he's hooked to a ventilator and in loose hospital gown. He looks vulnerable. Not the power holding man I'm used to. I grow exhausted just from looking at this scene. Kate looked fine when I left the gathering. I think to myself what happened for everything to come to this.
"Kate... how- when did this happen?"
"Just about an hour ago? He came back home and then... it just happened."eyeliner is running down her face and it seems the worst of her emotions have passed. "They had to do CPR on him it was-"she turns and her hollow eyes seem to relive the memory. Aaron places his hand on her shoulder,but it seems that's as far as their relationship goes.
"I'm sorry,is he being observed-"a beeping chimes through the room and Mr Brown eyes slowly flutter open. A sick trembling hand of his takes off the ventilator and once its off he starts to cough. Harsh and rough coughs that fill the room and shakes the air. One deserving of a silence,one of horror and worry.
He lifts his frail hands as though he's trying to say something,then he points to me,"I want to talk... just the two of us,"Kate and Aaron give each other hesitant looks,a lack of understanding that I share with them. Aaron's is far more potent as he refuses to let my hand go,and squeezes. He glances at me and I nod,
"I'll be fine."I whisper to him offering the weakest of smiles,
"But-"
"Just take Kate will you?"upon realising that I won't change my mind he let's my hand go but it lingers with disapproval,a single finger of his expressing it. I really don't want to be alone with this man but what has to be said will be said and what remains,remains.
The room is emptied and I sit where Kate once was. "You never got an explanation from me..."he breaths out sitting up- or atleast trying to,
"What are you talking about?"I snap in his direction,
"About when you were born,Cyrus."
"Oh don't worry about it,I know how you ditched my mother and me because you simply put didn't give a damn."he blinks at my harshness and I can't help but not care. He must remain at an arms length,away from me that way he can never do more damage than he's already done.
"Cyrus,that day I didn't know that you were born-"
"Cut the crap and don't make excuses."
"I mean it- I didn't know. Me and your mother had just ended our relationship and she used to call me just to start yelling at me. I didn't even know she was pregnant,but that day she called and called. What do you think I thought?"
"Of course,but what about when Nana called you?"a tremor breaks in my voice,"What about when she told you about me?"
"That was five years after you were born! Only once your mother had left. I never knew all that time..."
"And even if you thought she just wanted to call to cuss you out do you think she'd call you thirty times? Or was it more? You tell me-"
"Cyrus."
"And if this is all a misunderstanding,answer me- why didn't you show up after you knew? Why did you wait another four years?"I bite back tears of the memories,the worst time of my life. Back then I thought I just had to wait for him,I was wrong,
"I'm a human being Cyrus. I made mistakes. I felt shame for not knowing all this time,for being labelled as a dead beat father without even knowing-"
"We can all play that card all we want- I'm a human being? Well so am I and your actions were outside of yourself do you think that people would know that you just felt a sense of shame that's why you didn't show up? You knew my mother had left me and you weren't there either couldn't that selfish feeling of shame wait?"
"Cyrus,I did! I came back for you-"
"You came two years late. Face it!"
"I just want you to forgive me..."
"After everything I've been through,all the ridicule and criticism you want me to up and forget who did that to me? Was forcing me to marry who you choose part of this regime? A plan for forgiveness by taking everything away from me again. Be glad Aaron is one of the sweetest men I've ever met because if he wasn't I'd hang it over your head."
"Maybe one day this can all be passed us Cyrus,maybe one day. But I'm running out of time as today has shown."
"Time can run all it what just like it did for me. Forgiveness isn't an option nor is it a right circumstancescan provide."I get up and head for the door,"Don't recover for me but for the people who care,like Kate and maybe if you're lucky Aaron too."