Expression of My Love

Broken Pieces

Felix POV

"...what?..." I hear Hyunjin's voice shatter. I try to keep it together but it breaks my heart to hear his voice like that.

I dont want to lose Hyunjin, but it breaks my heart over and over to want to hang out with him outside of these walls and knowing that I can't.

"It hurts too much. I love you with everything I am..... but I feel like I have lost you in my life outside of these walls. The walls that
I now have to share with the one who is trying to take you from me" I couldn't hold back the tears any longer and just sobbed leaning against the wall.

I felt 2 arms wrap around me, squeezing me really tightly. I heard sobs coming from Hyunjin. He rarely cries.

"Please... don't do this..." Hyunjin spoke into my neck, a voice so broken I had never heard before.

"I don't know what to do anymore.. I can't even look at him without wanting to punch him in the face." I felt myself tensing up again and squeezed my hands so hard my nails broke the skin.

"I can't even claim you as mine... I know that we can't tell the fans and I am just going to continuously have your ship with him rubbed in my face." I could feel myself starting to yell out of frustration and pain.

"Yongbok.. you know nothing is going on, at least not on my part. What can I do to reassure you. What can I do to take the pain away...?" Hyunjin asked desperately. Problem is I don't know what could make it stop.

"There is nothing that can be done... nothing we can do unless we reveal it to the world." I know I sound so negative and hopeless.

"I just need some time, to process. To work through my pain. I still love you, but I can't go through this every day anymore..." I gently pull Hyunjin's arms off of me and stand up. Keeping my head down so I don't look at him and break.

"Felix.... please.." Hyunjin's voice was soft. I could hear him slowly stand up but I couldn't turn back. I couldn't handle seeing him. I make my way out of the room and walk straight to the balcony. Trying to catch my breath and feeling myself hyperventilating.

I felt a pair of hands grab mine and lead me to sit down. Han was wiping my tears.

"What happened?" He asked softly. Not letting go of my hands and pulling me to hug me.

"I couldn't do it anymore. I can't hide it anymore. It hurts too much to be restricted. To have to live by everybody's rules except my own." I break down sobbing again. Barely able to speak the words because of my breathing. Han just held me close and rocked me gently like a baby.

*Hyunjin POV*

I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe, all I could do was lay here. My worst fear is coming true. I can't lose Felix, he is everything to me.

The door creaked open and I could see 2 people sit next to me on the floor, placing their hands on my shoulders. It was Chan and Minho.

"We heard what happened. We're here for you." Those were all the words that were needed. Nothing could make it feel any better but their presence calmed me enough to stop me from hyperventilating. I eventually cried myself to sleep. Chan and Minho carried me to my room. Han slept with Felix.

The next day:

I woke up in my bed. Briefly forgetting that my heart was shattered the previous night until I could feel my head throbbing and my eyes hard to open with how puffy they were. I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to see anybody.

"Hey... look we are going to be late to practice if you were going to come." I heard Minho speak through the door. His voice sounded doubtful. I couldn't get myself to say anything in return. I just burried my face in the pillow and tried to go back to sleep.

"Alright.... Chan and I will stop by during break to check on you. Make sure you eat something. We will tell them that you're sick."

I heard footsteps receding and stared at the ceiling blankly.

*FELIX POV*

I didn't have it in me to go to practice. My head was hurting and I was exhausted from crying majority of the night. Thankfully Han was with me, it helped to not have to sleep alone after such a long time of sleeping next to Hyunjin. The thought of him hurts my heart.

I heard the front door shut. I guess its safe now to go and wash up. I grab my towel and a fresh pair of clothes, consisting of an oversize hoodie amd sweat pants.

I took my sweet time in the shower. The hot water felt so good on my tear stained cheeks that felt sticky. I got out and felt relieved. I was finally able to take a deep breath and just be alone.

I made my way over to the kitchen in search of comfort food. Some mac and cheese and ice cream sounds like the meal of champions when your heart is broken. I make my way over to the couch and try to enjoy my opportunity to get out of that depression pit of a room before I have to hide again to avoid seeing him. I can't face him yet. I did us both a favor by staying home today, now he can dance in peace and I can sulk in pity party by myself.

I hope he is doing ok. Im not strong enough to talk to him but I obviously still love him. This is just how it had to be I guess.

*Hyunjin POV*

I woke up from my nap and heard the tv playing in the living room. Huh? I guess they came back early. Its time for me to pull myself together and at least freshen up. If I was going to get through this I had to fake it till I make it so I can't let myself fall down the hole.

I grab my towel and some clothes, struggling to find something that Felix has not worn. I finally came across a sweater that was hidden in the back of the closet that had not seen the light of day in years. I took a deep breath in and finally decided to face the world, hoping I could sneak by the guys and avoid their pity.

Once I opened the door I see Felix sitting on the couch. I could hear my heart shatter. He looks so sad, he is not much better off than I am except he has already showered. Felix turned around when he heard the door open.

"O-oh... I didn't know you were here." Felix said, his voice low but strained from the crying. He didn't look away from me.

"Yeah... was not feeling up for practice, I don't want to look in the mirror to see this mess..." I said, trying to lighten the mood but I just felt more worn down. I struggled to get my glance away from Felix. He was still so beautiful, even when he cries.

I finally pull myself away and disappear into the bathroom. Just in time for more tears to come out, I stayed in the shower until the tears finally stopped. When I came out Felix was gone. I was both disappointed and releaved that I was no longer faced with the sight of my love. I groan to myself and take the opportunity to grab something from the kitchen. I didn't have an appetite but I knew that I needed to build up some strength if I was ever going to go to practice again. I guess a burrito bowl will do. I decided to eat in my room to avoid any more interactions with Felix. As much as I wanted to see him, I need to clear my head. And I know I can't do that when I am faced with those beautiful eyes and freckles of his.