Expression of My Love

Deep End

6 months have gone by.

*Hyunjin POV*

The past months have been a whirlwind of emotions. I am exhausted. Felix and I didn't speak for a while. Anytime we tried to I felt like I couldn't breathe. It all toon a turn with our latest comeback. It was hard seeing Felix at rehearsals and concerts but I was able to distract myself with the crowd or the dancing. During our interviews, however, I was not able to get lost in the music, or numb my pain with alcohol. I started receiving messages from our fans, asking if I was ok. I always wrote it off as being tired from trying to be my best self for our stays. That was not a complete lie, but I found that the only way my thoughts were quiet enough for a semblence of peace, was when I was throwing my all into dancing.

The worst part about interviews was the staff. They had found out about us during the drama. With "concern" they prevented us from interacting during interviews, but pushed us to other members who were popular ships with fans. Changbin was one of the ships they really tried to push. I still did not like him, he continued to feel pushy to me, but he provided a distraction. Some flattery that helped ease the pain a bit in the beginning. He did end up confessing his feelings for me after a party, granted we were both wasted. We were somehow able to talk things out in our inebriated states, and Changbin accepted that I did not see him like that. He ended up apologizing to Felix too, but that took a while since Felix was avoiding both of us, mainly sticking to Han and Chan. Eventually the others in the group were able to corner Felix and in a parent trap manner were able to get then to come to an understanding and apologize.

Over time, the pain became more numb. We could never go back to how we were and there was a great rift between us still. But I was finally able to catch a glimps of him without wanting to drink the pain away. The death threats stopped coming in, and although my life is not as blissful as it once was, I felt like I was able to live without having to hold on. I started to get used to not having Felix around as much. Not that I didn't miss him, but that I forgot what it was like to be close to him, so I got used to the cold.

We are now in our off period, everyone is kind of working on their own things for the moment. I have a dance video coming out, being featured as artist of the month. It was something to really dig into and because it was more of a strong and rigid dance it allowed me to blow off a lot of anger that I had pent up. It makes me wonder whay could have happened if I did not have something to drown in other than alcohol.

*Felix POV*

The last 6 months have been some of the hardest of my life. Including moving here and leaving my family. I didn't just lose the man I loved, I lost my best friend. And the person that I wanted to go to for comfort, the only one that could give me peace, only brought pain.

Im so thankful to have Han and Chan supporting me. I don't think I could have made it through. Even Changbin has been there for me, the members locked tricked us both into a room and wouldn't let us out until we hashed out our problems. He ended up apologizing and admitting that he liked Hyunjin and was jealous. I get it. He let me know that Hyunjin rejected him and that it hurt but that he was going to be respectful and try to just be a good friend. Can't say that seeing them interacting doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth still but he is alright.

We are working on some individual projects. I wanted to do a singing one, Hyunjin was working on a dance for artist of the month. I try not to hear too much about it, seeing him dance makes me want him way to much to handle right now. I wanted to focus on a singing project. I'm meeting with Chan today to discuss it.

~at the studio with Chan~

"Oi Felix, how's it going mate?" Chan says, it makes me so happy when he gets extra Aussie. It also warms my heart that he is trying to lift my spirits.

"It's going good Chan. Excited to dive deep into the music!" I am trying my best still to fake it till I make it, I am tired of the pity and concern. It only reminds me of why I was sad in the first place.

Chan's expression tinges with worry but he has always been a respectful guy and figured that I did not want to talk about it.

"Have you been trying to think up some lyrics, or thought about a vibe that you wanted to go with" he asks. I take our my notebook and look through some pages for some lyrics. My heart drops when I reach a certain entry. Perhaps the most vulnerable and raw song I have ever written, the wounds still too fresh to attempt to read over them.

*Flashback to 5 months ago, one month after the split*

"Hey Lix.. wake up, we're here" Han gently removed my head from his shoulder. In front of us was the building for our vogue interview. I had been dreading going. My sleep was non-existant when I was alone and I was too tired to face masking everything for the camera.

I pulled myself out of the car and into the interview. I was able to manage laughing at most of the jokes and engaging with the members some but I was so happy it was over.

That night was the worst night yet. All I could feel was coldness and numb. I stopped crying a while ago. Now I can't cry, even when I need to. I need to talk to Hyunjin, if not to feel comfort then to feel anything, even pain.

Felix: -hey Jin, you awake..- read

There was no response, there were so many thoughts going on in my head. Some were scary honestly, I questioned my will to live. Not just because of the breakup, because I felt my life was no longer my own. I didn't feel like I was living it, I felt like an observer watching a movie having to figure out the plot like everyone else.

It was 2 am at this point. All I could do is look at the ceiling.

"This is pointless" I grab the notebook from my nightstand and start writing. Might as well do something productive. I just jot down my feelings on the pages.

Now I'm truly all alone in this world.

Please stop this pain.

Suddenly I feel a tear coming down my cheek. I could not hold it in anymore. All of the pent up pain and emotion came streaming out. I could not stop it.
That was the night I wrote Deep End.

*back to present*

"Is that the song?" Chan asked, snapping me out of my trance.

"N-no." I could feel the tears streaming down my face at the memory of that night. The hopelessness I felt.

"What's wrong?" Chan asked, concern in his voice.

I still could not peel my eyes away from the page, away from the words, away from the memories. I just started sobbing. Chan placed his hands on mine, placed the notebook on the table, and took me into a hug.

"Whatever that was that you wrote... I think you need to sing it. We don't have to release it, we don't have to show anybody. But you need to let that out." These words scared me. I didn't want to bring myself back to that place, but Chan was right. The only way to release it was to sing it.

I nodded, took the notebook, and walked into the studio. One last deep breath and it was time.

Chan played the music and I sang (A/N please listen to deep end, it is truly amazing). I closed my eyes and just let the emotion take over, releasing it as I sang. When I finished I wiped my eyes and looked at Chan.

His eyes were wide and he had tears running down his face. He got up and walked into the room, crashing into me with a hug.

"Please don't ever hold something like that in again. We could have lost you Felix." Chan was squeezing me tightly and sobbing into my shoulder, I did the same to him. We must have been standing like that for a while, both able to calm down.

"It was about Hyunjin wasn't it?" He asks softly, careful to read my reaction to know if he went too far.

"Yes... and myself." Chan pulled me back in for another hug.

"That was beautiful Felix, truly"