Expression of My Love

Broken Admissions

*Felix POV*

I turned around to see Hyunjin standing behind me, his hand stopping me from punching the tree further. His eyes were so sad, he looked heartbroken.

I couldn't hold it in any longer, I slid down the trunk of the tree and burried my head in my knees. I'm not strong enough to face him. I felt Hyunjin wrap his arms around me.

This... this feeling is what I have been needing for the past 6 months. I needed to feel his warmth, to feel protected in his grasp, to smell that wonderful spiced cologne, to feel his breath on my skin, to hear his heartbeat in his chest. His hug burst the dam of emotions that I had been pushing down. All of the pain, all of the love, all of the emptiness I had been feeling. All of the sleepless nights and stolen glances waiting for a look back, all of the messages left on read and the millions more that were never sent. All of the fear spilled out of me.

I held him tightly. All of the tension that had been building up could finally be released in his embrace. I started sobbing, more intense than I have ever cried before. My throat was strained like a yell, my body was pushing out the cry like pushing out the tension. My head was throbbing at the force I was exerting and the overwhelming release of emotions.

Eventually the tension ran out. Eventually I was able to calm down. I was more calm than I had been since the split, all of the encouraging words and company could not give me this. Only Hyunjin can give me this. I was finally ready.. ready to talk.

*Hyunjin POV*

Felix finally started to calm down, his body stopped trembling, his breathing slowed down, and his body relaxed. He loosened the grip he had on me but did not look up yet.

"How did you find me?" He asked in a soft voice, still with pauses in between while he was normalizing his breathing again.

"Han told me that you said you needed to face the memories. This is where you told me the memories of us lie and this is where you told me your favorite transormation happened."

I started stroking his hair gently.

"Thank you." He finally said. He slowly raised his eyes to look into mine. As puffy and irritated that they looked, I could finally see a little spark of sunshine in them. I just looked in his eyes, taking in all the beauty. Counting all the freckles on his cheeks again. I gently wiped his tears with my thumbs and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"The song... was it about us? About me?" I asked, knowing that I needed to address it.

Felix didn't say anything, he just nodded and dropped his head into his knees again.

"I'm sorry. I was not going to release it. I just... needed to process the version of me that wrote that." He said, his voice sounded cracked and strained.

"Don't apologize" ... "Yongbok, I wasn't hurt by the song, I was hurt by the image of you in that state. I was angry that I was not there for you. I was angry for not realizing what was going on. But mostly, I was angry at myself for not being there for you. For allowing myself to believe that space is what you wanted. For being stupid enough to avoid your cries for help out of fear that you would change your mind. Out of fear that you would realize that you didn't want me anymore.." with those words I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. Now I was the one to sob. I felt a warm hand on my cheek.

"Jinnie, it's not your fault. I should have never thought that splitting up would be better than doing what we could to help eachother. I was the one that was stupid enough to believe that we would be able to move past the pain and get back to where we were. We could never go back to how we were before, because after having felt the love I have for you when I truly embrace it, trying to go back to before would be impossible. I wouldn't want to go back and forget the stolen moments, the feeling of your lips, the butterflies you give me everytime you look at me and the way my heart stops when you call my name." Felix put his hand on my chest, feeling my heartbeat and giving me a small smile.

"I tried to talk to you yesterday, I knew you weren't ok and I was too late. You were sleeping finally and I couldn't wake you up. Minho found me and was able to talk some sense into me." I looked at him confused. Minho?

"He was able to make me realize that I love you now more than I ever had. My thoughts of stopping the pain of not being able to fully be with you by trying to fall out of love with you was never going to work. My love for you only grew, and my heart just broke more seeing you in pain and not being able to love you." His hands went back to my cheeks and he cupped them with both hands, looking into my eyes and not letting me look away.

"I'm so sorry for hurting you, I regret everything that I said that day. I would take a few stolen glances and the opportunity to lay my eyes on you over a numb life without you any day." Felix inhaled deeply, his breath still sounding broken but mended at the exhale. He looked at peace. He looked like he did before. Before all of the mess happened, before the split, he looked the way he did at the surprise party, the look he gave me when he said he loved me. I fell deeper in love with him than I felt I ever could love someone.

He smiled at me and that was all I needed for my heart to explode, I leaned in and kissed him. Desperately, not in a sexual way, but desperate for his love. Desperate for his touch. He wrapped his arms around my neck and sat in my lap. We kissed for a while until we finally had to breathe. He put his forehead on mine while looking at me with those eyes. Those beautiful eyes full of stars.

"I love you so much Yongbok"

"I have been craving that since the moment I asked you to talk. I love you more than life itself Hyunjin" he pressed his lips back on mine and we just let the love out. Bringing eachother so much peace and happiness.

It was finally time to head home. I pulled out my phone to find messages from the others, worried about me if I was ok or in a ditch somewhere. I opened up my messages with Minho.

Me:
Thank you for helping me get my love back. We will be home soon. Tell the others.

Minho Hyung:
I love you. See you soon.

The message made me smile, Minho was not the most touchy feely person but if he says he loves you he truly means it. I felt a soft small hand intertwine with my own. I kissed the back of his hand and he giggled.

"I have missed everything about you" he says and gets on his toes to kiss me on the cheek before pulling me into a tight hug.

"Let's go home, I think I can finally sleep again" the feeling of peace taking over my entire body and making me realize what I had been doing to it.