Expression of My Love

My Sweet Solitude

*Felix POV*

I opened my eyes after finishing the last of the harmonies for Deep End. All I could ever picture while singing it was Hyunjin. And there he is.

I feel a fire in the pit of my stomach. How could Chan let him in here. I never wanted him to hear it. I don't want him to be broken by it, knowing it was written out of my pain for him.

"H-hyunjin what are you doing here?!" He didn't say anything. Small tears were running down his cheek onto his neck. I don't want to see him hurt. And he can't say anything.. I probably messed up the chances of us becoming friends again now!

I can't stay here in the silence. I need to get out of here. I glare and Chan and Changbin, they should have known better and sent him out. I guess ill be the one leaving then. I run out and slam the door behind me.

I went to the one place I knew could give me some peace. I needed to gather my thoughts. I take out my phone to message Han. I don't need anybody to worry about me and cause a scene.

Me:
Hey Hannie, if Chan asks about me tell him I am safe and that I will be back later today please.

Hannie
Sure... do you need anything? Is everything ok?

Me:
I'll be ok, just need to face some memories to figure stuff out. Don't worry about me.

The message said read. I made my way to the place that started it all. I had to face the biggest symbol of the love I feel for Hyunjin, outside of Hyunjin himself.

I made my way over to the park and to a familiar big tree. The sun was starting to set and it was getting chilly but I needed to do this.

And there it was. The tree that looked bare due to the winter time, with small buds growing and a couple of leaves making their way back. I felt the tears coming. I remember the golden sunlight when he confessed to me, the sparkling fairy lights from when he asked me to be official. I could still see some of the holes from where the drawings hung on the tree. I remember the painting made me when he first said I love you in a deeper romantic way, the flowers were not blooming but the scent lingered.

I never had the heart to take down that painting. I was able to hide away everything else that reminded me of our relationship but when I tried to grab the painting I couldn't do it. Sometimes I still look at it and let the good memory play in my head although it hurts.

Just as Hyunjin had done all those months ago, before all of this happened, I start punching the tree. Punching the memories for feeling so good and hurting so bad at the same time. Punching the love that I continue to feel for him and mostly punching the society we live in that won't let me be with the one person who always gives me peace. Who always makes me feel safe. Who loves me like I love him.

My knuckles were cut and painful but I didn't care, I kept going. Suddenly something stopped me. Someone stopped me...

*Hyunjin POV*

I run after Felix but I waited too long. He was nowhere in sight. I pick up the phone to call him but it goes straight to voicemail.

Minho and Han! They are at the dorms.

Me:

hey is Felix there? Did he come home?

Minho Hyung:
No... I haven't seen him. He was supposed to be with Chan today working on a project.

Me:
I know. I was there and he stormed out. I need to find him. Has he contacted the others.

Minho Hyung:
Ah! Han said that Felix texted him a couple minutes ago saying not to worry and that he would be home later.

Me:
Did he say where? Anything else?

Minho Hyung:
Han said that Felix told him he "needed to face some memories to figure things out" that is all he has. We will let you know if we see him.

Me: Thanks Hyung.

We have known eachother for years! Could he mean the 2 kids room location? No that's closed. The first time I said I loved him was at the dorms... after I gave him the painting of the flower by the tree... the tree...

In the months after the group found out about Felix and I, we went back to this tree often. Felix used to say that this tree holds memories for us, of some major moments. He said it would bring him the memory of pure happiness that came from the pain. The place where he saw me broken, but we could return patched up and better than we ever were before.

Of course he went to the tree..

I ran as fast as I could to the park. Thankfully it was close to the studios.
When I see the big tree my heart breaks. I can see Felix. He is punching the tree and sobbing.

I run up to him and grab his arm, stopping him from hurting himself more. You can already see blood on the tree and all over his hand. He turned around and looked at me, I had never seen his face so dark before. He looked... empty.

Felix let out a sob and slid down the trunk of the tree until he was seated with his head in his knees. I sat next to him and held him. The same way he held me that first time.

I wanted to say something but I knew he needed to just be for a bit. I pulled him closely into my chest and rubbed his back in circles. He squeezed closer into me and let out a heartbreaking sob, the kind where you can feel the tension, one that feels like you are screaming at the top of your lungs.

We just sat there. I wasn't sure how long it was for but it was dark out by the time he started to calm down.