On His Roster (Aviación #1) Completed

14

Delayed

I woke up miserable today and i just dont feel like working again. Last night i just stayed away from him and laid there quietly on the cold bed. Thinking about what happened last night still brings a pang of pain to my chest.

Like what most people in my life said about me i will always be an adopted child, no matter how far i have come i will always be the one begging to be included. Habang tumatagal parang napapaniwala na nila ako kahit ang layo ko na sa kanila.

Can i just call in sick and cancel my flight back home? Hindi ko alam kung anong oras umalis si Hervé...well i hate to call him that. From now on he's a stranger and i should start calling him in a stranger's name.

Faivri?

Amad? Ew!

Deuce? Like a dude.

Better. Away from familiarity and just so i can start from scratch again.

Pag gising ko ay mag isa na ako sa kwarto. Well still it hurts but who really cares anyway? Edi umalis siya at wag na sana siyang bumalik at magpakita pa rito.

Nagmamadali akong tumakbo sa banyo at nasuka. I took a quick bath and rub a lot of essential oil on my body just to keep me feel warm. Wala na talaga akong pake kahit na nangangamoy matanda ako ngayong araw.

I packed my luggage and made sure all of my things are intact. Nakita ko pa yung pulang box na may lamang necklace sa bedside table. Pinulot ko yun at nilagay na rin sa loob ng maleta.

I checked out of the hotel and immediately called for a taxi. I looked sick and even the way i dressed was not even that presentable.

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I really believe that i have to set my life in order together with my pasts and even my traumas. Sabi nga nila minsan akala mo healed ka na pero yun pala ay pansamantala ka lang na malayo sa mga bagay na nagpaptrigger sayo at sa mga sugat mo.

And maybe it's really true na hindi pa nga ako tuluyan na magaling, inakala ko lang iyon dahil siguro kompara sa dati kong naging buhay ngayon ay may sariling pera na ako. Kaya kong buhayin ang sarili ko na di kailangan na umasa sa mga bigay ng ibang tao.

Ngayon nabibili at nagagawa ko ang mga bagay na kailangan at mga gusto ko. Hindi tulad dati na hanggang pangarap lamang.

Pero hindi totoo iyon, hindi totoo na maghihilom ang mga sugat dahil lang sa materyal na mga bagay. Natatakpan lang ng pang madaliang kasiyahan pero nandoon pa rin ang sugat, masakit pa rin.

Maybe i'm really acting like a fake person all along, always been insecure, hiding behind my fake self-confidence, trying to look cool when i am facing other people while I was slowly dying inside.

I have been chasing men for most of my life, from my teen years until now. Maybe it is because of my unhealed childhood trauma that made me the person i loathe today, person who seeks men validation.

There are lots of heartbreak, emotional pain, disappointment, and dissatisfaction in most of my relationships.

This time i can't help but ponder why I never felt worthy without a man giving me attention or being in a relationship with one or simply dating. Why i keep on chasing? Why i tried so hard to be seen?

It was like the basis of their love for me depends on how much i have suffered for them. How much i am willing to give and beg.

Like how i begged for other people to support my basic needs as a child and every time they'll give me a little love it represents a lot more to me. That little bit of love already means a lot to me to survive.