On His Roster (Aviación #1) Completed

Hervé

POV

I know i am chapters ahead of her and that she means so much to me. But i also wanna respect her pace and not rush her to commit to me just because that's how i feel for her.

What happened in Italy was entirely my fault; my traumas and triggers need to be handled and addressed by me, not by her. In reality, it's never her fault that I'm the way I am, that my mind functions differently, that I tend to think a lot and doubt a lot, and it's not her fault if I'm paranoid and afraid of losing her the way I lost Caren.

I fight for her every day, even if it means improving myself and my mental health. I want to be a better man, her best friend, and lover so I'm even more motivated to truly recover and become stronger than I was before.

I had witnessed Caren being fucked by Reno in my own bedroom at home, and it had a terrible psychological effect on me. I feel as though what they did is still haunting my thoughts and changing me into someone I'm not.

I was mistaken when I believed that sticking to my therapy approach had already helped me heal. I discovered I'm not suitable for Avis when the Maldives happened. She's in the hospital now that I harmed her.

Because I was so passionate to loving and possessing her, I believed that I had lost her and had killed her. My feelings for her are so terrible that they shouldn't be glorified. Since I know I'm not good for her, I made the decision to break up with Avis in order to keep her safe and avoid putting her in danger due to my recklessness.

But she can't understand that I'm too bad for her and that I'm already hurting her since she's so consumed by her feelings for me. It pains me even more to watch her adore me without question since it seems like she would sacrifice her self-respect to have me in her life. She doesn't realize how valuable she is, and it pains me because I think highly of her and believe she is worth more than anything in this world.

In order to deserve her, I want to first take care of myself, focus on my healing. I've convinced myself that if I truly want her love, I should fix myself and my life in order to earn her love.

I was dating Caren for about thirteen years when our relationship ended. It was a particularly traumatic breakup for me because we shared a home. She fucked Reno and cheated. She was truly my best friend, therefore it insulted me that she can behave as though nothing happened even after she destroyed my self-worth.
Observing other couples at work and conversing with married captains who share their wives' charming stories about them both made me want to grieve.

They talk about their wives like they really meant what they are saying. How fortunate he felt to still be with her a decade later, how intelligent, how hardworking, how loving, too. I came to the realization that I had never felt this way about my ex in our thirteen years together.

Not even half is much, in torment. I feel terrible for myself since I live in a sterile and cold home and am in an unhappy and lonely marriage. I came to the realization that I had never truly loved or been inspired by Caren to love her so deeply. Perhaps she shares these ideas, as evident by the fact that she turned to looking for other man instead of fixing things with me.

And the reason I felt depressed was not because I was envious of other men's successful marriages, but rather because I realized I had never experienced true love. That for a very long period, I had accepted a less fulfilling marriage and mood swings.

But in the end, I believe that everything worked out well because I now know much more about what kind of lover I am looking for. I'm divorcing Caren and starting with a mission to fix my life, my destroyed heart, and my crushed ego.

They always say that the man you marry will never be the man you divorced, and I think that's really true because when I met Caren at the university and when we finally got together, I was never the kind of man who physically abused women.