On His Roster (Aviación #1) Completed

Hervé

Present

Some people say that quiet people are crazy. 

Av is such a baby most of the time, but she can also be someone who enjoys having her hair pulled when fucking. She has the capacity to be both the sweetest and the wildest.

She always tries to appear strong but deep inside she still is a baby. 

I contact her the night before my flight, making sure that she's alright before i go to work, and I sincerely appreciate that my phone call aligns with her time zone. I know she's been in a terrible mood lately and it hurts to see how devastated she was over the miscarriage.

I feel so guilty about our loss, and everyone blamed me for it. I hate myself because i know that I've been neglectful to my girlfriend.

I was so sure about me being the father of Caren's child. I was hopeful that i am indeed the father maybe that's why i'm being cooperative along the way.

I looked forward to meeting the doctors and know what's happening with the pregnancy. There's a part of me that still wants to trust her even after what she did to me.

I was thinking about how serious Avis was when she told me that she hates having kids and she is not open about the idea of being pregnant. I don't wanna pressure her about it because i know it's her right to choose what her body has to go through.

I love her and i don't wanna pressure her even though personally i've been dreaming about having my own child.

My ex-wife's pregnancy feels like a blessing in disguise for me. I was thinking that since I wanted the child so bad it would be easy for me to cooperate with Caren. 

I believe it's also a win-win for me because I can continue to be a dad to my child with Caren and stay with Avis because I love her as my partner. I would not have to force my girlfriend to bare a baby for me because there's a baby on the way already.

I'll be happy to have a kid, and Caren will be free to live her life as she pleases, with or without Reno. I will be content and stable in Dubai with Avis and our new addition to our little family. 

My girlfriend doesn't have to give up her dreams only because i want a baby so bad. 

I was unaware that Avis was pregnant, and when she miscarried, we lost our child.

We had a miscarriage, and all i could feel are regrets and what ifs in my head.

it is like a replay of what we had gone through in Maldives, the way I carried Avi's body and called for medical help. Watching how Avis was on the verge of dying at the moment was so terrifying.

I've been hoping to start a family of my own, but that dream has now been snatched away from me.

I'm in a terrible place of sorrow, and I know that everyone was so worried about my sanity but the only thing that calmed me down was the thought that nature is the wisest judge and that if there is a miscarriage, Av and i will never have a control about it. 

I am powerless no matter how much I would like to control i will always be slapped by the truth that I don't have the ability to choose between life and death and humans cannot stop the time, nor the destiny.

My girlfriend's pain as a mother was greater than mine, I didn't feel like I could grieve even though i am already drowning inside. She is dependent on me, so I can't be weak. 

It's not always fair to expect fathers to recover from losses quickly. I get it that i didn't carry the baby, but it still means a lot to me, and I'm grieving. My entire world crumbled, and I'm also wrecked.