On His Roster (Aviación #1) Completed

36

March

I feel like once I walk out his door, it also means that I am finally out of his life, and I can't do it. I'm not willing to do it.

He assisted me in the bathroom and even helped me to wear his cotton shorts and white t-shirt, which are really large on me. Hindi ko mapigilan na umiyak, but this time he let out a low, quiet breath. 

My heart ached even more at the way he's treating me gently at the moment. When he still looks after me so tenderly, how can he decide that our relationship should end?

He wiped my tears with his thumb and gave me an affectionate look of concern. It's horrible to be in a situation where you want your relationship to work but you are both broken individuals who unintentionally hurt each other.

You are both precious to each other but your previous traumas get in the way and complicate things.

I stare at my lap instead of looking at him. Ang bait niya naman talaga sa akin at masyadong maalaga kaya ang hirap isipin na hindi talaga pwede kasi hindi nagtutugma ang mga pangyayari.

Kung tatanungin ako ay halos perfect na siya pero sa totoong buhay wala naman talagang perfect.

Gaya ng sabi niya gusto niyang maging buo bago papasok sa isang seryosong relasyon. Na ayaw niyang dumating ang araw na hindi niya namamalayan na nasasaktan na niya ako kaya mas pipiliin niya ngayon ang ayusin na muna ang sarili.

Ang masasabi ko lang naman na hindi maganda sa kaniya ay nakakatakot siya kung magalit. Pero rason na ba iyon para kamuhian ko siya? Sa dami ng magagandang rason kung bakit ko siya nagustuhan ay hindi na lalamang ang isang mali na iyon.

Hindi magbabago ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil lang may isang mali sa kaniya. Ngunit hindi rin ibig sabihin na tanggap ko iyon at hindi na kailangan solusyonan.

"I have been attending therapy for the past month and will continue to do so till I feel better. I got cheated on and my therapist said that's the reason why I want to control people and things."

"Huh?

"I have post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms...it's the cause of my rage everytime i am triggered."

"I thought I was okay, but I'm not my body still feels the effects of it, and my body still can't accept the betrayal. I have a tendency to control because I want to make sure that I won't be betrayed again."

Inangat ko ang aking tingin sa kaniya. I was taken aback by his candid disclosure of his own problems. I felt so sorry for him. I find it unfathomable that someone would have the audacity to cause him such trauma.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tamang sasabihin. How should one respond to someone who is in pain and suffering? I really don't know how he feels.

I had no idea how agonizing it was for him, so it's not like I can claim to understand. Being left with awful memories is never okay, so I can't say that it's okay. I just wanted to hear him talk about what he was feeling so I decided to listen and be silent.

His lips curled into a little smile, and it broke my heart to realize that after being betrayed and traumatized in a relationship, he still had the courage to care for me this gentle.

"Okay, we've been over this many times already, but I am going to explain the reasons why I'm unhappy and what I need to change one last time before mindlessly do something."