Random Oneshots from my Tumblr (@bad268)
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FCB- Joao Felix, Hector Fort, Pablo Gavi, Fermin Lopez, Pedri
Formula 1- Felipe Drugovich...
Summary: When chat takes hate too far, the reader quits only to return for more hate (and loosely based on Agoraphobic by Corpse Husband).
W.C. 1291
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My whole career started by accident. The pandemic shut down everything, including where I worked, and I got laid off. Streaming became a sense of normalcy in the craziness that was the world. Games were what I did best given that I was a game designer and tester.
It started one night when my boyfriend, Pezzy, talked about it. He said his friends were thinking about it, so the next day, I logged onto Twitch.tv and streamed my favorite game for the moment, Among Us. It was a low-IQ game, and the fun graphics were interesting to look at. I joined a random lobby, and the rest was history.
I blew up from my imposter plays and impeccable detective skills. My viewers went from 10 to 100 to 1,000 and before I knew it, I was at 250,000 viewers. Through this time, I never care about a camera. Mainly because I knew they would tear me apart, and I would not subject myself to that torture. However, recently, it seemed that people did not even need to see my face to trash me.
"If you guys can't behave, I'm going to either get more mods or just quit," I said one day on stream when it seemed like the hate was never-ending. Every other message I saw was a comment about how I am probably ugly, I can't pull anyone, or just flat-out calling me degrading names.
It never stopped.
I put up with it for nearly four years before calling it quits. Despite the support from Pezzy, telling me not to listen to anyone else, it was hard to be berated every second of every stream especially when it seemed like everyone used the highlighted texts or text-to-speech to shout at me.
It really took a toll on my mental health. I became so self-conscious, and the fact that I had severe social anxiety did not help my case. I retreated into myself as I got bigger, and the bigger I got, the more paranoid I got. It got so bad to the point where I retreated into my house, and I could barely function without antidepressants.
One day, I was feeling spontaneous. I wanted to stream. I wanted to game. I wanted to interact with people. I asked Pezzy if I could join him for a Mario Kart stream, but play off-camera in the same room.
The stream started off fun. I won a few, lost a few, and had some fun battles in the game against Pezzy's friends. Then, it turned south.
Ex-fans and haters filled Pezzy's chat and his friends' streams. Their mods could not keep up either. It was becoming the only thing we could see, and it was getting in the way of their normal conversations with their chats.
"Mods, do we need some backup? Where did these people even come from?" Puffer said as he looked to his moderators for help, but noticed they were doing as much as they could. "There's so many of them!"
"It's like they spawned out of nowhere," Grizzy laughed before getting serious as well, "but for real guys, knock it off. They're not doing anything wrong."
"Yeah, if it doesn't stop, I'll end stream right now," Pezzy gave an ultimatum as he looked over at me to see how I was reacting. I was pretty numb, but my mood was visibly ruined. "You know what, guys. I'm gonna end the stream anyway. I don't know when I'll stream next, so look at my Twitter. Bye, guys."
The other guys did not need to be told twice as they followed suit and ended their stream as well. They each sent reassuring messages to me as I left the room once the camera was off.
I walked outside to sit on the patio. Since we just moved to the new house, we had not had the chance to get patio furniture yet, so I took a seat on the concrete. I was still under the cover, but I sat right on the edge. It was pouring rain, something that rarely ever happened, but it was my favorite weather. Rain was always so calming for me, and it made me feel at peace despite the thunder I read online.
After a while, Pezzy joined me. He sat beside me with a blanket that he put over my shoulders and pulled me into his side. The serenity of the rain combined with the comfort from Pezzy helped calm my racing heart.
"I love when it rains" I broke the silence, looking out into the yard as I refused to look toward Pezzy. I let it hang in the air for a beat before I sighed, "I can't do shit right. I can't learn my lesson. They don't want me online, but they give me shit for not streaming. I can't even play with your friends without them finding me."
"It's not your fault they're assholes," Pezzy consoled as he rubbed his hand up and down my arm. "It's never been your fault."
"It's my fault I subjected myself to it in the first place," I pointed out. "If I had never streamed in the first place, I never would have been in this situation. These people are taking the piss out of gaming, and I'm sick of it! I can't go outside without thinking someone will find me! I am so paranoid about my privacy. It's like I'm on house arrest."
"You know the odds of someone recognizing you are slim to none," Pezzy tried to intervene as I spiraled.
"No, Pezzy, you don't understand how I think," I pressed, turning to look at him as I grabbed his hands. "Pezzy, they're always asking questions about my face, and I can't stand it. They will stop at nothing to get what they want. I lived in three apartments before I agreed to move in because somehow, someway, someone found out where I lived, or at least they found my P.O. box and said they knew my address. I live in fear every day that someone is going to find me." I stopped for a second to let Pezzy absorb what I was saying. I could see the recognition in his eyes. I continued, "Pezzy, it has been 1000 days since I had the first threat. I have not been able to function for 1000 days. I love you, Pezzy, but you will never understand how I think. It's just too complicated."
"Listen, I may not understand it completely, but I'd like to. I love you too, and I never understand you fully, but I will always be here to support you," He leaned in to kiss my forehead before leaning his forehead to mine. "I don't want you to fight your battles alone. I'm here for you. I do not care how many people I gotta fight to tell you otherwise. I'll fight from the trenches if I have to if it means I get to help you through anything causing you pain."
"You don't mean that," I dismissed, looking away as I felt tears fill my eyes. "You really don't, Pezzy. As much as I know you care, there is no way you'd be willing to help me in that way."
"I do! I'd do anything for you," Pezzy consoled as he put a hand on my chin to turn my face to look at him again. "I'm with you till the end of the line, remember? We've known each other our whole lives, and I'm not leaving your side. I don't care how dark or difficult it may seem. You are my person till the end of the line, and I'm here for the long ride."
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