little love

6

Maya

Luckily, the rest of shift was pretty uneventful. a couple of calls that only needed the aid car. so i just hung out in my office with my thoughts. it was weird right? weird that a 16 year old wasnt home at 8 pm on a school night... maybe not that weird. maybe she was out with friends.

If Maddie was anything like Maya was in high school she didnt have friends. she was focused on running and school, yes in that order, and trying to keep her father happy. My mom was weird. right? the way she jumped and almost hid behind dad. my head was spinning.

"Ciao bambina" Carina practically sang as she walked into my office. "ready to go love?"

"Yeah. Yeah, lets go baby." i say, snapping out of it. grabbing my bag and heading out of the station.

"bambina, you're awful quiet. hard shift?" Carina asked when we got back to my apartment after a silent ride.

"hmm?" i grunted. i didnt really hear her.

she sits in front of me, hands me a glass of wine and pushes my hair behind my ear. "Maya? you okay?"

"yeah. im fine. just a lot on my mind."

"want to talk about it?" she asks doing that adorable eyebrow crinkle she does when she's curious

"no. no. its fine." i take a sip of my wine. Carina raises her eyebrows at me. "it was Maddie's birthday yesterday."

"your sister?"

"yeah. she's 16 now. i havent heard from her in a couple years and havent seen her in even longer. i mail a card every birthday and every christmas, but i never hear anything. i dont know... i just have a bad feeling. so i took some time during shift last night to drop the card off in person. but she wasnt there."

Carina nodded. just letting me speak. once i started it was hard to stop.

"it was weird. my dad acted weird. my mom acted weirder." i proceeded to tell her all the details of the brief interaction.

"mmmhmm" she said and sipped her wine

"what!?" i asked

"Bambina i know you love your father-"

"not with this again" I cut her off and stood up from the couch. for the past couple of months carina had gotten it in her head that my father was emotionally abusive. he wasnt, he was just emotional.

"Dad! I came first i dont understand!"

"You didn't beat your time Maya. better start walking" my dad said dispassionately

"Dad! It's pouring!"

he started to drive away

"Dad! Dad!" i shout after him

I remember that, and all the times he withheld his love when i didnt live up to his expectations. the silent dinner tables. the screaming. the 90 mile an hour rides home from track meets. him telling me to embrace the pain. eyes forward. my head is spinning again. the times he woke me up by dumping cold water all over me. when he ran me so hard i simply collapsed. I felt my breathing hitch.

"Bambina" I jump as i feel Carina's hand on my shoulder. "Maya. tell me what's going through your brain?" she said softly

I turn and face her, leaning against the counter, with my head cocked. "I won a gold medal because of my dad." I say bluntly

"Maya-"

"I won a gold medal because of my dad." i say more firmly. "I am this city's youngest fire captain. because of my dad."

"Maya psychological abuse, emotional abuse, these are real things" Carina reached for my hand. she had heard the stories that were currently racing through my head. "Denial is a powerful thing"

"I am not in denial. i am pissed." i snap jerking my hand away. I'm shaking by now. tears in my eyes. i clench my jaw and try and push them away.

"Maya..." Carina says softly.

"I'm going for a run" i grunt as i throw my hair in a ponytail and head for the door.

"maya, bambina!" i hear carina call after me. i put my headphones on and ignore her.