little love

19

maddie

i'm sitting in the locker room with lily. i'm fuming.

"maddie please!! just listen to me for a minute" she cried

i stand with my arms crossed and raise my eyebrows. she takes that as her invitation to continue.

"she's your sister!! don't you remember all the times you cried to alexa saying you wished maya was around like she was? or how much you missed her ? you were devastated when she went to the fire academy. it wrecked you mads" lily said

"is this going somewhere other than reminding me why i hate her? she left me lily. she left and didn't look back not once!!! not a visit, not a call- nothing!! she left me alone in that house! she left me alone with -" i stop myself before i let something slip i don't mean to. lily knows i have a rocky relationship with my parents but she does not know my father hits me.

lily looks at me like she's waiting for me to keep talking. when it becomes clear i'm not she starts again "okay how bout this. just try maddie. hear her side of things. try and let her in. if after 90 days you still hate her i swear mads i promise you i won't bring it up ever again." lily looked at me with her eye brows raised, waiting for me to respond.

"45. i'll give her 45 days." i say. lily smiles

"deal. now let's go" she says as she pulls me out of the locker room. i didn't realize we were the only 2 left. i take her hand and let myself be lead out to the parking lot. bracing myself for a real interaction with my sister.

we get to the parking lot and maya is pacing with her back to me. she's rambling and talking to the doctor from earlier. i let her continue. i'm curious what she has to say.

"carina she thinks i abandoned her. she thinks i left and forgot about her. she has no idea how hard i tried to stay in touch. i'm gonna kill lane. he kept me from her. he made her hate me. he made her feel like i didn't love her. carina how do i undo that." maya rambled as she paced.

"well i suppose that's a start" i say dropping my soccer bag.

"maddie" she says softly bringing her hands to my lips.
i look at my shoes and kick around some dirt, unwilling to meet her eyes.

"maddie, little love?" i freeze when i hear her say that. it brings me right back to when i was small and would crawl into bed with her when i was scared. she would call me little love and hold me until i felt safe.

"you left" i tell the ground. "you left and you didn't look back."

"yes. i left. but maddie honey i didn't mean to leave you." she pleads. she tries to take a step towards me but i hold up a hand and step back. i'm not ready for her to come any closer.

"maddie he wouldn't let me see you. lane- dad- he wouldn't let me see you. if i ever came by he said you were out. if i called he wouldn't let me talk to you." i don't say anything, but i'm listening, just like i told lily i would.

"i tried to come to your school a few years ago. but a 20 something hanging around a middle school
didn't look great. when i made captain i tried to use that title to find you. maddie i never. never. stopped loving you. the article from last year about you making varsity? and from this year about you making captain sweetheart those are framed in my office, right next to the picture of you and i in london. do you remember that? you were so little"
i bite my lip at those words. of course i remember london. i got to watch my hero win gold. she was happy. i was happy. dad was happy. it was the best day.

"little love. maddie? hun can you look at me?"
I look up and rub my face trying to think. I pinch the bridge of my nose and i hear a laugh.

both maya and i turn to look at her and i can tell that she, like me, forgot we weren't the only 2 people in the parking lot.

"sorry sorry - maya she does the same" carina says mimicking the mannerisms we share.

"maddie. can we talk? please? from what i've heard you have turned into a really amazing young person. please maddie. can we talk? we can go grab dinner? just us 2?" she pleads with me.

i look up and meet those bright blue eyes that used to make me feel so safe. i chew on the inside of my cheek, thinking. i look over at lily and alexa who both smile encouragingly at me. and without even realizing it, i nod.