little love

35

maddie

i woke up and the first thought i had was that i really needed to pee. then the pain hit me. my head, face and side were all different kinds of sore. as i opened my eyes, i squinted at the light that exacerbated my headache. then i looked around. i felt my heart rate increase. and heard the beeping accelerate as the monitor exposed my anxiety.

maya was gone.

she left me again. i should've known. she was gone again and i was in a freakin hospital. she was gone. and i was alone.

the beeping continued rapidly, and carina rushed into my room as the tears began to spill from my eyes.

"cuore mío, breathe. breathe maddie breathe" she whispered soothingly

"maya?? where's maya?" i croaked. my voice scratchy

"she just went to go take a shower. she will be back before you know it cuore mio" she replied sitting at my side and taking my hand. "she will be back soon i promise maddie, but i need you to breathe for me, okay?"

i met her eyes and copied her breathing. in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4. over and over. i heard the heart monitor calm down. we breathed some more. then i remembered how badly i needed to go to the restroom.

i started to push the sheets off me and swing my legs out of bed

"where do you think you're going!?" carina cried, trying to stop me

"i'm not going anywhere, but i really need to go to the restroom"

carina sighed and helped me untangle myself from the wires and sheets. she helped me wheel my iv over to the bathroom off my room.

"do you need any help?" she offered

"no, thanks. i think i'd just like a bit of privacy. i'll shout if i need you?" i responded. she nodded and i tried to smile my thanks, but it hurt my face.

i shut the door to the bathroom and made my way to the toilet. finally relief.

i stood up and went to wash my hands where i caught site of my reflection for the first time. if i had been hooked up to the heart monitor, i'm sure it would've stopped in that moment as i stood there in shock.

my nose was taped up, but the bruising had given me 2 black eyes. i looked like a fucking raccoon. there was a cut above my left eyebrow that had been neatly stitched and taped up, and my lip was swollen and split on one side.

i looked down to my neck. i cringed seeing the bruise that clearly showed where my father had his hand around my throat. i put my hand softly over the handprint shaped bruise and felt a tear fall onto my cheek. it all came rushing back.

as i turned to the side to further examine the bruise i noticed something was off with my hair. i turned farther to get a better look. a large chunk near one side of the back had been shaved and in that big bald patch was another gash that had been stitched back together.

i closed my eyes tightly. i was never one to get too fussed about appearances but this was a lot to take in. i remembered all of it. my face slamming into the dashboard. the blood. his hands around my throat. coughing desperately for a breath. the backhand that sent me crashing into a table. seeing stars as i tried to get back up. the screaming.  the kicks to my ribs.

my ribs.

i lifted the hospital gown to look at my side. there were bandages covering what i assumed to be the incision created for surgery, but all around was purple bruising.

i took a sharp inhale. it hurt. but i was trying to calm myself, quietly. i should be happy i'm alive i guess but all i can think about is that i am hideous. the outside appearance finally matches the broken insides. every time i look at myself, i will be reminded that i am so unloveable that my own father beat me near to death.

"is everything okay in there cuore mio?" carina softly knocked on the bathroom door

i guess i had been in here a while.

"yeah just a sec" i managed to get out. i wanted to scream. i wanted to cry. i wanted to be alone. i didn't want anyone to see me like this.

but carina was outside the door. and maya would be back soon.

i could feel myself starting to panic. i needed to leave the bathroom. the longer i looked at myself in the mirror the worse i felt.

on top of the pain i was already in, the shock of my appearance coupled with the onslaught of memories was too much. as my thoughts continued to race, i felt my stomach twist and dove back to the toilet as i threw up.

carina came bursting in at the sound.

she rushed over to me, reaching to pull what was left of my hair back. i cringed away from her touch. she kept her distance, but sat on the floor with me, whispering soothing things in italian. or i assume it was meant to be soothing. my italian was not great.

i continued to hunch over the toilet, coughing up everything that was in my stomach. honestly there wasn't much in there to begin with.

i sat up. saw my reflection out of the corner of my eye. too much. i doubled over as i dry heaved. there was nothing else to throw up. my throat burned as i leaned against the wall. exhausted.

"let's get you back to bed." carina said reaching down to help me up

"NO!" i screamed "DONT TOUCH ME"

she backed away with her hands up. i cried out in pain as i used the counter to pull myself up into a standing position.

"maddie, cuore mio. please let me help you bellina" carina plead. i didnt want to be touched. not like this. i wanted to be alone.

i ignored her and started shuffling back toward bed. every movement hurt. i wanted to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. but that wasn't an option.

as i made my way back toward bed, i noticed one of maya's hoodies thrown across the chair. i grabbed it and pulled it on, pulling the hood up, and drawing the drawstrings a bit. now the shaved part of my head and the bruising on my neck was mostly covered. i felt a little better.

i made it back to bed and a nurse i didn't know came in to help hook me back up to all my monitors.

carina sat back down in her chair and looked at me with concern. As i turned away from her, i heard her open a book. i wanted her to leave, but it was clear she had no plans of doing so.

i closed my eyes and sighed.

and then in walked Maya, with Lily and Alexa in tow.

"oh mads! i'm glad to see you awake!" lily cried, running to my bedside. i cringed away, i didn't want to be seen like this.

"you gave us a real scare maddie!" alexa said, moving to take a seat.

it was too much. it was all too much.

"are you cold maddie?" maya asked, noticing i grabbed her hoodie. "i can get you another blan-" she started to add

"JUST GET OUT!" i interrupted. i was overwhelmed and i wanted everyone to leave me alone.

"maddie?" lily started to ask

"ALL OF YOU! PLEASE GET OUT !!! leave me alone"

they all stood stunned at my outburst but i just wanted to be left alone for a minute.

"mads, little love-" maya started to say softly

"GO AWAY" i yelled, nearing hysterics at this point.

"let's all go grab a coffee and give maddie a moment" carina said softly.

"okay, we will be right back mads," maya said, reaching to give me a reassuring pat, but i slapped her hand away.