little love

77

Maddie

"Mads, little love? We need to talk baby" Maya said and i froze. Shit. What did they know? Her and carina were both sitting, looking at me calmly but this felt like a fucking intervention. "We looked in your room-"

"You did what?" I cut her off. I was angry now. "You had no right to do that!" I was pissed, but relieved that i had at least started keeping the blade on my person, so at least they didn't find that.

"Maddie i know, and we are sorry but we are worried about you!" Maya was raising her voice now, matching my anger. I couldn't help but flinch. Carina put a hand on her knee to calm her and turned to face me.

"Sorellina, we are sorry, but you didn't give us an option. You wouldn't talk to us." Carina said, her voice was kind, yet firm.

We sat in silence for a few moments.

"Well spit it out then, what'd you find? You wouldn't be staging a fucking intervention if you hadn't found anything" i was getting angrier by the second. Maya flinched at my tone, and i instantly felt bad. I know we both looked like our father, and sometimes i forgot that his words had hurt Maya too. She always buried it, and hid it so well to protect me. "Maya im sorry" my tone softened.

"Little love, it's okay, thank you" she met my eyes and there was nothing but love in them. "But Mads, why did you stop taking your meds?"

Oh crap. I had actually kinda forgotten about that. I forgot to take them one day, and the withdrawal symptoms were a good way to punish myself. After a while, when they faded... i had found other ways to punish myself. I looked down and fidgeted with the sleeves of the light sweater i wore.

"honey? It's okay, but you have to take the meds, they help you baby" maya urged me. Carina got up and left the living room. After a few minutes, she came back in with my pills and a glass of water.

"You're gonna make me take it in front of you? Really?" I was getting mad again. I didnt want to take the meds again. I was fine. And i didnt want to give them the satisfaction.

"Yes Maddie, we are" Carina said sternly. I was surprised, usually she was the good cop.

"Fine." I took the pills and water from her and swallowed one. I made a big show of sticking my tongue out to prove i had swallowed the damn thing "happy?"

"Maddie, we just want to help you, please let us in" maya pleaded. I could tell she was getting upset. I heard Lane's voice in my head again, reminding me what a burden i was to them, how much trouble i put them through. And here was maya, getting upset, missing work, all because i fucked up, again. Lane was right, i ruined everything, just by existing.

I didn't want to cry, but my body had other ideas and i felt the tears welling up behind my eyes. I bit my lip and tried to fight it. I couldn't break down. Not now. I was already too much for them. They didnt need to worry about this, or me.

"Maddie, bella?" Carina crouched in front of me, but i flinched away from her. I felt my chest tighten. I felt the desire to cut, but obviously I couldn't do that right now. This was turning into a full on panic attack. Shit I can't breathe. My eyes began to dart around the room, as if i could make a run for it... my crutches were across the room with maya. Even if they were right next to me, i wasn't exactly mobile.

I pushed my hand into my chest and rubbed hard, hoping the pressure would help. It didnt. My vision was going blurry, my hearing going fuzzy. I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes, getting desperate. I felt someone, I wasn't sure if it was maya or carina, try and pull me into an embrace, but I yelped and shrunk back further in the chair. I pulled at my fingers. I couldn't fucking breathe.

I knew where the blade was, i wanted to grab it. But i didnt. I couldn't. Not with their eyes on me. I pulled at the sleeves of the sweater. I was getting desperate. I had no nails left, i had chewed them to nothing, so i just began harshly rubbing at my left arm.

"Mads" i heard maya's voice, but it sounded so far away. I tasted metal in my mouth and realized i had chewed on the inside of my cheek and now there was blood.

I kept rubbing at my arm, harder and harder. Before long, i felt the wetness of my blood seeping through the sleeve. I had rubbed off the scabs of some of my recent cuts. I felt the short lived relief that the cutting brought on. It quickly disolved into more panic as i realized that if i could feel the blood seeping through my shirt, odds are, maya and carina could see it.

I was such a burden to them, they didnt deserve to have to deal with me. It wasnt fair to them. I hated that i was hurting them. They shouldn't love me, i wasnt worth it. I was a mess. I should just go back to Lane and let him beat on me. I deserved it. The thoughts just kept coming and coming. I held my head in my hands and squeezed. Every muscle in my body was shaking. I wanted to get up and run out of the room, but I couldn't. Stupid leg. Stupid Maddie. I'm a fucking mess. They should've just let Lane kill me all those months ago. Everyone would be much better off without me.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I don't know when exactly the tears started, but they were flowing freely now.

I didnt know what to do, i wanted it all to stop. I heard an animalistic wail, and it took me several moments to realize the sound was coming from me.

I felt arms wrap around me and i didnt fight them this time, I just continued shaking, and crying. I felt myself pulled gently onto the floor. I felt my head pulled into someone's chest. My ear listening to their steady heartbeat. Their hands in my hair. I felt another set of hands on my back. I did my best to match my breathing to Carina's, that's whose chest i was currently sobbing on. I did it again, i fucked it all up.