little love

13

Maddie

The night of the fire was actually my last shift at Murphy's. convenient, as it would be closed a while.  Lily and i are sitting behind the field house after practice catching up. Coach benched me today when i told him about the fire. said he wanted to give me a day or two to let my lungs recover.

i was pissed. bishops dont take time to recover. bishop's embrace the pain.

I had been ranting to Lily about it while she just sat and let me tire myself out.

"and don't even get me started on the fire itself! Lil- i think i saw Maya. Coach Nick doesnt know what he's talking about. the doctors clea-"

"Whoa whoa back up a sec-- you saw Maya!?" she interrupted me

"i think so... someone called on the radio for captain bishop. i mean i couldnt see her all that well, it was smokey and she was kinda far away. but yeah i think it was her"

"did you say anything to her?"

"absolutely not" i scoffed "she left me. i dont want anything to do with her. she left me in that house Lil. Plus i dont even know if she recognized me. she hasnt seen me since i was little and well,  people change alot between age 10 and age 16."

"true. but that birthday card-- she wants to talk to you mads? she wants to know you. she wan--"

"I dont care what she wants Lil!" i interrupt. i didnt mean to be rude, but i dont. i dont care what Maya wants. she was the adult. i was the kid. she left me in that house.  "you know what, i gotta go" i say before running to my car. i hear Lily calling after me, but i keep running as i feel the tears start.

The day after maya left was the first time my dad hit me. up till then, he kept his abuse to emotional and psychological. but when his prized daughter left home, and the one still left wasnt looking like I would measure up to the olympian. the first time he hit me was when i told him i wanted to stop swimming and focus on soccer. he slapped me across the face and said "Bishops win alone" i was so shocked i didnt even cry. not till later. i got up in the middle of the night to go to Maya's room. but maya wasnt there any more. i cried harder. i found an old sweatshirt of her's she'd left. i put it on and tried to convince myself it was the same as being in her arms. it wasnt. that was also the night i had my first panic attack.

I pull my car into the lot of the gym, parking near a streetlight. i crawl into what should be the back seat, where i have laid it flat and tried to get comfy in the makeshift bed. i continue to cry. i pull out that old sweatshirt. it doesnt smell like maya anymore. its hardly a sweatshirt anymore. more of a tattered comfort blanket. i cry and i cry until i cant breathe. my phone rings. it's Lily.  i decline it. i force myself to take a deep breath but i cant. i cant i cant. i. cant. breathe.

I dig my finger nails into my left arm, trying to focus. i cant breathe. i dig in harder. i see it start to bleed and i stop. the sight of my blood enough to snap me out of it. i take deep breaths as i watch the blood trail down my arm. im mesmerized by it. i take one more deep breath and reach over to grab the roll of paper towels from the glove box. i stop the bleeding and wrap my arm in a paper towel, before grabbing what's left of the sweatshirt and cry myself to sleep feeling more alone than ever. Lily thinks i went home, i have no idea where mom and dad think i am.