little love

40

maddie

i walked into maya's office with my hands in my pockets, looking down. i hadn't been to therapy before but i knew maya wouldn't have set this up if she didn't think it was important.

"you can sit, i don't bite" diane said breaking me out of my thoughts. i crosse the room and sat in the chair in front of the desk. diane was sitting in mayas seat, behind the desk.

i sat and pulled my knees up into the chair with me, wrapping my arms around them and resting my chin on my knees. i bit my lip, i wasn't sure how this worked.

"maddie, i understand you had a recent hospital stay, can you tell me what led to that" diane stated

wow she didn't waste time. "uhhh i umm i was hurt"

"how were you hurt?"

"some broken ribs, broken nose and a concussion" i said flatly, sticking to the facts. i didn't want to remember the details.

"can you tell me how it happened?" diane asked gently urging me to continue

"i ran away from home a month or so ago. i had been living in my car for a while but had just moved in with my sister"

"can you tell me why you ran away maddie?"

i swallowed. "my... uh my ...." i stuttered. Diane remained silent and patient. "my dad was not nice"

"that must've been hard. can you tell me more? diane urged gently

"my dad. he wasn't nice for a long time. he used to shout all the time. he pushed us. hard. too hard. it wasn't healthy. when my sister left, it got worse." the floodgates were open i was talking far more than i thought but i had to keep going. "my sister was my dad's crown jewel. she won gold at the olympics. it was a lot to live up to and i was never going to be able to in his eyes. i play soccer. that's all i wanted to do, but he doesn't like team sports. 'bishops win alone' he would shout. when maya left it got worse. when maya was there it was just a lot of shouting and throwing things, it was scary, but maya protected me."

i stopped and kept my eyes low.

"maddie, you are safe now i promise." diane said to me "what happened when maya left?"

"he started to hit me. at first it was a slap across the face. but then he got smarter. he wanted to make sure it could be easily hidden. he would kick me in the stomach" i flinched thinking back to all the times he hurt me. and the most recent, worst time. i felt my breathing quicken. i didn't want to talk anymore.

"maddie, hey maddie look at me" diane plead. "breathe maddie. breathe. you're having a panic
attack"

i tried to listen to her but i couldn't calm down. everything my father did was replaying in fast forward through my mind. it was too much. i couldn't catch my breath. i looked all around the room and continued hyperventilating.

"maddie," diane said softly getting up to move towards me

"no no!!! please no! i didn't do anything wrong i promise!" i cried getting out of the chair and backing myself into the corner.

"maddie you are safe"

i didn't feel safe. "please i promise i didn't do anything wrong. please daddy stop it hurts!" i cried, trapped in my own head "please no more!" i buried my face in my hands as i slid down the wall.

diane crossed the room and stuck her head out of the office. maya was sitting in reception chatting with andy and vic. "maya can i borrow you for a moment?" diane asked

maya stood up immediately concerned and crossed into her office.

"maddie!" she cried seeing her sister huddled in the corner shaking. "shhhh baby, you're okay little love. i promise. you're safe" she crouched in front it me

"please no more" i whimpered

"no more, i promise, no more little love" maya said pulling me into her arms. i tried to fight her off at first but she held fast and whispered soothingly until I broke out of the flashbacks in my mind. i buried my face in her chest and let the sobs come.

maya continued to hold me and whisper that i was safe.

"i'm sorry i tried i really tried" i sobbed

"it's okay maddie. it's okay little love. i understand sweetheart" maya said continuing to hold me and rub my back soothingly

maya wiped my tears. away as i began to calm down. she held my gaze and i copied her breathing until i calmed down.

"i'm sorry diane" i started to say but the older woman held her hand up to stop me

"it's okay maddie, you've been through a lot. i understand how hard it is to talk about these things. believe it or not, you did really well" the doctor said with a soft smile "i'd like to continue working with you if that's okay?"

i nodded. it was hard but maya and diane were right. i needed to get this out so i could move forward.

"okay, next week then? same time?" i looked at maya before responding, she nodded, so i nodded too.

maya helped me off the floor, but continued to hold me. diane smiled softly as she walked out.

"maya can we go home please?" i asked my sister. i was exhausted.

"of course baby, let's get you out of here"

she started to walk me towards the door but i froze seeing andy and vic sitting in reception. how much did they hear? how much did they see?

seeing my panic, vic walked over and pulled me into a hug. "see you next time little bishop" she said, releasing me.

"bye mija! see you soon?" andy asked. i smiled at her and left the station with Maya.

we got in mayas car and headed for home. we spent the ride in comfortable silence, until my stomach growled and broke it.

"sounds like we need to get dinner going huh kiddo?" maya teased me. i smiled at my sister. she knew i was struggling but she wasn't pushing me and she just kept reminding me that i was safe and she was going to be there for me.